I am not the first to think that parenting should come with a manual. As any parent knows, raising children is one of the most challenging jobs that life presents. If it hasn’t been a challenge to you, I am going to be bold and say that you may not be giving the job the proper attention. If you have perfect children and it has been a breeze, take it from a therapist, your time for real parenting just hasn’t arrived yet. I have often joked that I am glad my children were colicky as infants and real terrors at both 2 and 3. I paid at least some of my dues early on.
In high school, my friend Carlyn’s mom was a therapist. I remember her laughing one day with us and commenting that she knew way too much about the families in Friendly Hills, where we lived. Families, by nature of people living together, with life happening all around them, are all a little quirky. Parents bring their own junk to the table, and oftentimes, without realizing it, pass it on to their children so that all the junk can be officially passed on for generations. Again, if you think your family isn’t a little crazy, you may be the only one who sees it that way. Just sayin’. Like Carlyn’s mom, I know some stuff.
Yet, I continue to assist families as they navigate through the developmental years because there really is so much we, as parents, can do to push our ducklings along in life. There are a number of child development theories out there and one that I especially like focuses on our ability to be “good enough”, without the need for our parenting or our children to be perfect. It focuses on being flexible with parenting style, acknowledging the differences in individual children, being open to utilizing all available resources as best you can, in an effort to grow your babies into adults that act with responsibility, love and the desire for personal success.
For the purpose of this post, I am going to use the scene in The Help, as it encapsulates what we as parents are wise to promote in our children, if we want them to be adults that we can point to as compassionate members and leaders of society.
You is Kind: Requiring kindness of our children is invaluable training. Our narcissistic society wants us to believe that our children will only succeed in life if they experience wild personal success on the athletic field, the classroom or in social settings at a very young age. But statistics actually prove that being the most popular kid in junior high and high school is often reliant on an ability to be homogenous and falsely confident, and these attributes are definitely not an indicator of future success. If kids learn that happiness comes only from personal success rather than sometimes stepping aside for another or overcoming difficult obstacles, they find themselves unhappy when the pool they are swimming in gets more competitive and chances for personal glory are limited. What is considered social success in school age children differs for adults who decide that inner peace and personal contentment are values for them.
Kindness is a behavioral requirement in elementary school and those that actually continue to use kindness as a personal attribute, beyond their younger years, are more apt to achieve personal contentment, even if life presents difficulties. Kind people promote good, assist those who need extra assistance, speak the truth and don’t seek to hurt others. Kind people are often found standing alone so it is important to teach children that it is kind people that leave legacies and are spoken of in a positive light, long after they exit a scene. The reward for kindness is not always public affirmation. However, being a kind person promotes real relationship with people and also allows for better sleep at night. But to be sure, kindness, as Aibileen knew, is rare and has to be cultivated in our children, or they will not know how to be kind as adults.
You is Smart: All children have attributes that differentiate them and cause them to shine. If your community is like mine, it seems that everyone has to decide what they want to be involved in as an adult when they are around 2 years old. If you wait too long to start that tutoring or private coaching, your kid might find themselves sitting on the sidelines. A couple things are important here.
First, we don’t all need to be professional athletes or attend an Ivy League school. In fact, there isn’t any evidence that suggests this is a good idea for even many who appear lucky or talented enough to go this route. Most off-the-chart success actually occurs when individuals find something they love and call it work. And people are most content when they are in an environment where they can perform at acceptable levels and enjoy healthy community.
Secondly, smart can be innate and smart can be learned. Knowing how to use your God-given smarts and where to get the smarts God didn’t give you, is important for kids to be coached on while under the wings of their parents. This coaching involves step by step instructional verbiage, referred affectionately to as “life lessons” in our family, so that kids know they are capable.
You is Important: Boundary setting is kind of my therapeutic specialty. I had to work really hard for the boundaries that I personally possess, and I am passionate about helping others in this area. Instilling a sense of importance in your child is not achieved through false acclamations. Rewarding children for just about everything, is actually causing that narcissism I talked about earlier. What is actually important for our kids to get, is that there is never a life situation where it is okay to be a doormat.
We teach this to our children by giving them a voice. Emerging adults need to have an opportunity to share thoughts, examine issues, and voice opinions, in an environment of respect. Sometimes they need to be allowed to fail. If they practice this in the home and receive respect, they will know what that looks like, or doesn’t look like, in the workplace, in social settings and with their future family. Let me be clear, this does not mean that they get to be in charge, make decisions that sacrifice their safety or the safety of others or any other kind of crazy notion. It means that we want our kiddos to understand that we didn’t go to all the trouble of raising them right to have their friends who are doing drugs or their boss who is inappropriate, screw all that up.
So ask yourself, as you continue to guide and direct the future adults in your life, if they are learning to be generously kind, if they are figuring out how they can best utilize their natural abilities and if they are learning how to advocate for themselves. Let’s launch these wanna-be-big-people into just that: big people with a big future.
Sonia
Moriah Ventures, LLC
[email protected]
720.449.2235