I remember when most of the debate surrounding the abortion issue revolved around whether or not a woman who was impregnated during rape should be required to carry that baby to term. The debate has changed so much and for the first time in a long time, people are starting to question the practice.
I have never been faced with the decision to abort my baby. For goodness sake, after three years of infertility treatments, my twins are a miracle. I only had 2 viable eggs when I went through the in vitro process and I was told I had 0% chance of having twins, 1% chance of having a single baby…so no, never faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I planned more than most for the one I had.
I remember thinking in high school that my parents would kill me if I got pregnant. I realize now, looking back, they were just good parents who were empowering me to self-protect, and if I had gotten pregnant, they would have built a wing on their home for us to live. But their parenting, my faith and the fact that I only dated really wonderful people, made this a non-issue in my life. (I am adding this to the list of things I am grateful for…)
But it is an issue that I sit within the counseling space quite a bit. I remember in my first couple of years of counseling being surprised and touched to the core, at how many women had experienced sexual trauma in their lives. By sexual trauma, I mean, harassment, molestation, rape, unhealthy sexual boundaries within both committed and non-committed relationships or even marriage, and yes, I would add abortion to that list.
For the purpose of my thoughts today, I am not addressing whether you believe a baby is a baby when it is a clump of cells, when it has a heartbeat or when it kicks it’s a mama in the last trimester like it is kicking a football. I am not talking about the baby. I am talking about mama. Remember? That is who this original discussion was all about.
I have never, I mean never, had a woman in counseling say that her abortion was a great experience. I have never had a woman say it was the best decision she ever made. There is always regret, sadness, wondering, and wishing the decision had not had to be made. My work within this space is always about being able to forgive yourself, allow healing and being realistic about the consequences of decisions we live to regret. Not one woman that I have sat within this space, whether the abortion took place recently or 25 years ago, felt that she would ever “get over” it. At the time of her abortion, she was lead to believe that she could keep her life… stay in school, keep the boyfriend, whatever… But in reality, she was never the same. She just moved forward, wounded and often alone in her pain.
So, if we, as a country, are going to adopt practices that we say are to protect the rights of the mother, let’s get real and say that we are not doing a good job of protecting those women. They are feeling abandoned, judged, and alone, whether they keep the baby or whether they abort it. If you take the side of allowing abortions as a means for birth control, then get honest and provide mental health resources for the women who follow your lead. Mental health resources can go a long way in preventing unplanned pregnancies as well…empowered people make better decisions for themselves. And if you are advocating for protecting the unborn, give your time and resources to a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, and fight for legislation that provides resources for women who keep the baby or choose to bless another family with the baby they can’t keep. Trust me, there is a long line of people who would welcome these babies with open arms. I see these broken-hearted women in counseling as well. Many of the women in these families know the pain of being unable to carry a child or having to abort to save their own life. Is there a way to bless these women as well, rather than minimize their experience by celebrating abortion in the face of their loss?
Let’s advocate for women. All women.
If you or someone you love has a struggle in this area, as always, let me know if I can help.
Love,
Sonia