It seems in my line of work, themes present themselves. I am coming out of a season of working with a number of blended families. Marriage, after the death of a spouse, or after a divorce, has a number of challenges. Some of these challenges center around the children who are expected to be resilient and as excited as their parent, who has found a new love to share life with.
The decision to marry is an exciting one. For two people who have suffered through a traumatic death of a spouse, or a long suffering marriage, it can be exhilarating to think that this new person may be “the one” they are going to spend the rest of their lives with. Often family, friends and even their kids join in that initial excitement and it seems like the tough times of life might be over. Unfortunately, when the honeymoon is over, there are some common issues that need to be looked at in order for this new relationship to overcome the statistics that accompany second marriages. If you are presently embarking on a new marriage with hopes that it will be successful, here are some thoughts to consider:
You chose your spouse, your children did not.
Whether your children are small or they have families of their own, when you remarry, they are involuntarily signed up for a whole new normal. There may be significant positives surrounding your choice but nevertheless, a lot of change surrounds family expansion. For smaller kids, a new dad or mom often means another authority figure in their lives; another adult telling them what to do. For older kids, even adult children, your new spouse changes a family dynamic that has been in place for a very long time and while change can be welcomed, change is difficult for most people and it is always something that needs to be navigated carefully.
I often share with my clients going through this transition, the surprise I had when my father remarried after my mother died of cancer and he wanted me to interact with his new wife as I had with my mother. I hesitated to call sometimes because the old habit of handing the phone to my mom was rebirthed. Two years of wonderful heartfelt conversations with my dad when he was alone, got interrupted with conversations with a woman I barely knew. The expectation that family and friends have to jump into the relationship with the same level of commitment is a bit unrealistic. Don’t be afraid to give everyone else a little time to fall in love with the person you are head over heels with.
Parents of young children can smooth this transition by remaining the dominant parent for awhile, most especially in disciplinary practices. While parenting should always be done by the adults living in the home, if it makes the transition smoother for the kids if the bio-parent is the spokesperson, why wouldn’t you try that first? Some parents are very set about setting precedent early on, and while that concept sounds good on paper, it often leads to a very long transition period, filled with push back and tough moments, before the family is fully integrated.
Full integration of a family takes ON AVERAGE, 7 years.
Research has shown that blending families need lots of time to fully integrate. This really should not come as a big surprise to people but believe me, it does. Think about it. Have you ever moved, changed jobs, or done anything that requires you to meet new people and learn to love them as family? It takes some time. Learning people’s habits and idiosyncrasies, learning their love language, learning the family rules and traditions takes time and practice. Communication varies from family to family and misunderstandings can be common when you throw people into a living situation with one or more people they hadn’t intended on sharing a bedroom, bathroom or kitchen. Unless you are perfect, there might be some conflicts along the way and compromises might have to be made. Being excited that things are going really well at the start of a new marriage or being upset that things are not going as planned is less important than realizing that there will be good times and bad times throughout the process.
As everyone adjusts to the new relationship, it helps if the new normal is established by the whole group. For example, there might be holiday traditions, favorite recreational pursuits or even family recipes that are important to each person. A new spouse or a new spouse’s child might not be ready to embrace something that has been long standing in the other family. It is not so much the task early on to figure out what stays and what goes. The important thing is that the information is gathered and all members of the family feel known. But then, you figure it out as a group. You might be surprised to find that kids are okay with the new idea of celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve or going camping instead of going to the beach or whatever. But they are not going to embrace any new idea if they think it is being forced upon them by the new parent, and life as they once knew it is over. Acknowledge the way things have been done in the past and present all sides of how it might be done in the future.
Realize that all families have problems and blended families have some that are unique to them.
If you grew up with the Brady Bunch on TV, you know that the Brady family knew how to make a blended family look ideal. If you think about it, the whole show was about navigating through life issues but the ending was always just a little too Pollyanna. In real families, conflicts are not always resolved in one family meeting while the maid makes dinner. In real families, there might be deep wounds being brought into the mix because of past hurts. There might be visitation rights and shared schedules that interrupt the work that a new blended family is doing. Many times, there are issues with expenses and hurt feelings when the new marriage takes precedence over something that had once been important to the kids. Two people that thought they would parent well together find that they are triggered by their new spouse when they do anything that looks or sounds like the person they divorced. Blending families can be difficult but when done well, blended families can offer new life.
If you find yourself wishing it was easier, be sure to take advantage of the many resources available to you.
Here are a few books to check out:
The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman (2010)
101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom by Laura Petherbridge (2014)
Co-Parenting Works! by Tammy Daughtry (2011)
Helping Children Survive Divorce by Dr. Archibald Hart (1997)
Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
As always, I am here to help.
Sonia
720.449.2235 (voice & text)
[email protected]