I will never forget my first reading of Drs. Cloud and Townsend’s book Boundaries. I was in my early thirties and had never understood the part I played in my boundary-less life. The unrealistic expectation that my people-pleasing ways would bring relationship and that if I was just “nice enough”, people would respond positively, had lead to some pretty difficult disappointments. So being given permission, from a faith-based perspective, to advocate for myself was freedom I had never experienced!
I wish I could say that all it took was that one read-through to cure me of my rejection based wounds. But as anyone who has done extensive counseling for “woundedness” that stems from a fear of rejection, it is not that easy. Being a natural Empath, I struggle with over-identifying with other people and therefore lose sight of what my needs are until I am feeling really taken advantage of!….Can you identify with this?
As our greatest struggles often become our passion, I find myself counseling people who are also high on empathy and low on advocating for self. My clients need encouragement to stand strong with spouses, bosses, children, and friends. A problem that can become a hurdle is that the energy that it takes for an empath to stand up for his or herself, even once, can leave them exhausted and then they fall right back into that line of thinking where they assume others will see them, hear them and then respond with the same level of commitment.
I realized recently that boundary work is always a work in progress for the hardcore Empath. Here are three guidelines to use when navigating relationships:
- In relationships meant to be reciprocal, if you do not have expectations on the table, you will feel misunderstood and eventually will get burned. Setting expectations is important no matter how secure you understand the relationship to be. Assuming that you will be valued and respected is what gets empaths in trouble! Learning phrases like, “I have been more than happy to help but going forward, I have some expectations as well” and “I enjoy working toward our shared goals but not at the cost of my own”, will alert the person not as high on the empath scale that they are close to crossing a line with you.
- Mirror the level of commitment you are getting in return and there is less chance of feeling used in a relationship. High-level Empaths tend to work harder when they sense the other person pulling away, leading to an even greater investment and more to be disappointed about.
- All information is good information. When you learn that the other party has less of an investment in the relationship than you do, don’t let that feed your rejection-minded tendencies. It is important to embrace being your own greatest advocate! You can choose to protect yourself rather than get punched in the gut and no one will think less of you!
As a general rule, Empaths tend to want to help and encourage. They share easily and have a Mi Casa Es Su Casa mindset. What they do not often want to admit is that they expect reciprocal actions. This is where that Su Casa mindset stuff is really important because those who are not so Empathy-leaning are surprised when they are asked for a reciprocal response that was not spelled out for them.
Living emotionally healthy lives is a lot of hard work. Keep swimming!
Sonia
I have a clear memory of going with my parents to The Broadway, a local department store in my hometown, back in the 70’s, to buy the yellow, hard-sided, 5 piece set that my family took to Venezuela, the first time the Gusiff family went together for an almost month-long stay. So I dragged my husband, Mike, to Macy’s, where there is a decent sized luggage department, to help me make an adult-like purchase. I did online research and considered size, shape, and wheel quality in my purchase. I read a number of customer reviews. I applied for a Macy’s credit card and I made the purchase.
I know that it is more than half way through the first month of the year. I also know that the holiday season can really take it out of us, making it hard to start the new year going to the gym and changing our diets to meet the demands of our repeat New Year Resolutions. I want to encourage you, even if it is a late start, to set some goals for 2018. I do this with my clients, not to impose more stress into their life, but to remind them that personal change can only happen if we make alterations to our unhealthy patterns.
Additionally, think about what you are putting in your body as you head into 2018. Taking nutritional supplements, eating real food and cutting back on sugar are good ways to fight depression! Getting at least 15 minutes of direct sunlight everyday is also a good way to keep the mood positive, which can be difficult for some. For those that live in places that don’t get sun, add some Vitamin D or some Sam E to your regimen so that you stave off dark thoughts. 
You might already know that mental health professionals use a book called the DSM to support diagnosis in the counseling space. This book has all the descriptions and codes necessary for us to better understand our clients, but also gives codes used by doctors to insurance agencies to represent the client issues. A few years ago, a new and updated DSM was issued and one of the BLARING omissions was the diagnosis for Narcissism. That is because, for something to be abnormal behavior, the majority of the population can’t be diagnosed with it. Well, my fellow Americans, you can see where this is going! The majority of Americans fall somewhere on the spectrum so it is considered normal. No formal diagnosis… but the folks who noticeably fall into the spectrum make life a little tricky for the rest of us.
are not just selfish, greedy people. There are plenty of those around but they may not be narcissists by definition. In fact, there are a large number of people who have narcissistic tendencies in positions of ministry, the military, teaching and other very admirable occupations. Quite honestly, many narcissists are extremely friendly, engaging and charismatic. 
conflict comes when concessions need to be made. If you are in a relationship where you feel like the only one making concessions, and your efforts go mostly unnoticed, you might need to come up with some strategies to work with your narcissistic counterpart. You might also need help identifying the “hook and pull” that occurs when the narcissist finally identifies that you might have had enough and they work extra hard to get you back to orbiting their world via words of affirmation, actions that have been requested numerous times in the past, or gifts. And…if truth be told, you may need a nudge to come up with a plan for if your strategy doesn’t work. 
Hotchkiss, in her book Why Is It Always About You?, lays out some ways to identify and work with the narcissists you love, have to work with or even those you helped to create. This book is life changing for many and has helped me, deal with some people who I don’t want to abandon, but also enabled me to walk away from a few relationships that were not worth the ongoing effort.
Let me start by saying that I am not against medical marijuana. I am not sure anybody really is. If using marijuana eliminates the suffering of someone in chronic pain or someone fighting cancer or another debilitating disease, I join hands with the advocates and support the efforts in place to make this drug available to those in need. Personally, I remember very clearly, the conversation my own family had, 14 years ago, as we watched our mother fight cancer. We would have done anything to take away the pain she was experiencing toward the end of her life. Had she entertained the notion, we would have found it for her, no matter what the consequences.
Almost a year ago, I was at the finish line for a part-time job at a local church. The job description involved counseling and since I am a trained psychotherapist and the church uses a Biblical Counseling model, the final interview with the lead pastor involved some detailed questions about my theological stance and how I would come to terms with the theoretical differences between my training and the Biblical Counseling model. I consider myself fairly confident in an interview setting and quite honestly, I have never not been offered a job that I was invited to interview for…until this year. (I know that was a double negative…but so is this topic…)