Category: Satisfaction & Fulfillment

Posted on

Baggage: Leave some behind

I travel a lot. Even in the pandemic, I am a Southwest Airlines A-lister. I travel for work, for health and for fun. As a result, I may buy more luggage than the average person. I research brands. I have had soft sided and hard sided. Sometimes I know right away that I bought a lemon, when there is an early scratch or tear. Sometimes I think I have finally found a winner only to have it broken as it emerges onto the roundabout. Oh so frustrating.

Our travel baggage and our emotional baggage share some characteristics. We can invest in ourselves as we do our suitcases and feel confident in our sturdiness, only to find that sometimes circumstances outside our control can trigger, tear and break off parts of us that put us in need of repair.

As we move forward in the journey of life, it is important to know when to ditch the baggage. When we hang on too tight to our hurts from the past, we actually put ourselves at risk of more hurt. Like the time I thought my suitcase had one more trip left in it and it fell apart on vacation so I had to spend precious hours supposed to be spent on relaxation, searching for a new bag for my trip home.

Have you had your heart broken by people or circumstances and no matter how hard you try, the damage done seems to impact your current life situation? Is it time to ditch the old hurts and trauma and start living with renewed thinking? It might be time to reframe some of the messages that can play in your head when past experiences insist on negatively impacting your current job or relationship.

Just today, I was sharing with a client how a past work situation left me very wounded when I felt completely betrayed by a woman I had trusted with my commitment, time and money. When I was finally able to reframe the situation, to highlight that I emerged from that experience with a number of new friends, better boundaries and my current mission agency that treats me very well, I felt the release of the trauma. That baggage doesn’t have to impact me negatively anymore if I don’t allow it to. I refuse to be a person who doesn’t trust or can’t give of myself fully because of past wounding.

What situation in your life needs a little reframing? When we reframe, we allow ourselves to keep the memories in the what-doesn’t-kill-us-makes-us-stronger journal of our life. This helps us to journey on with confidence, wisdom and stronger boundaries. It also helps us to feel accomplishment, instead of defeat, when we look at those stamps in our passport of life and realize how we often grow the most through trials.

Maybe it is time for you to evaluate some of your past hurts and kick some of the lasting ickiness to the curb to focus on the strength you have as a result. As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

Posted on

Fear: Informant or Guiding Light

My clients all know that I am a big fan of emotions. Popular culture tries to tell us that emotions like happiness, peace and excitement are good emotions and feelings like sadness, anger and apathy are the bad ones. I believe that because the Lord gave us emotions, all emotions are good emotions. They are only bad when you lose control of them or they take over your life.

Fear is one of those emotions that we tend to put in the bad category because it can be mean to us when it runs wild. Fear run amuck can lead to depression, anxiety and poor decision-making. But fear itself is not bad at all when used appropriately! It can keep us out of dark alleys, creepy rest stop bathrooms and bad relationships. Fear can remind us of what happened the last time we did something silly and can warn us when people are trying to hurt us.

When fear is used effectively, it informs us of the dangers in life. It reminds us of past mistakes and slows us down if we are moving too fast. This is fear acting as wisdom. This is the kind of fear that we want to be grateful for. If you are afraid to commit to the job, or relationship, or credit card application that is just like the last job, boyfriend or payment plan that burned you, you might want to respect that fear and take a little time to do some more investigating before you leap into a situation that could result in some self sabotage.

But if that fear is the gripping kind that causes you to act irrationally and keeps you from moving forward in life because it tells you that every career move, possible relationship or financial commitment might ruin your life forever, you are giving it too much control. Fear should never be used as a guiding light because quite honestly, decisions made out of fear are rarely the best. Fear used as a guiding light can keep us from standing up for ourselves and can lead to accepting less than we need or want. Fear used as a guiding light restricts our strengths, limits our rational thought and ultimately steals our ability to thrive.

The Bible has 365 references, one for every day of the year, that remind us to keep our fear in check. One of my favorites, Isaiah 41:10 says, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Ask yourself: Is fear your informant or are you allowing it to be a guiding light?

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

Posted on

Processing: Is it never ending?

I find it kind of funny when counselor terms start to be used in pop culture. Of course, the definition changes as people throw around terms like bi-polar, narcissist, OCD…and unfortunately sometimes people who know a little bit about these diagnosis don’t always get it all the way right…but it is still a step in the right direction of the general public realizing that sometimes people have a reason behind their confusing actions. A term that I am hearing more and more people use is PROCESSING. In a general sense, when used in a social context, it often means that you aren’t ready to respond to a comment or situation because you are still sorting it all out and haven’t reached a conclusion. It is also a good way to avoid a conversation that has the chance of getting heated when you don’t have the energy for that. For example, “I am processing all the changes that are going on in the world right now.” This open-ended processing could go on forever and that isn’t really how processing is used when you are sitting on the therapy couch.

Processing, in a counselor setting, is a whole bunch more than that. Healthy processing leads to improved emotional health and hopefully some personal empowerment. I thought it might be helpful to share some things I look for when I am processing with my clients.

As you may have guessed, a prospective client never calls me to tell me how great everything in their life is going. There is always a life situation that seems overwhelming, confusing, traumatizing or paralyzing. They often have thoughts in their head, feelings in their heart, pain in their body and maybe even some money invested in a lawyer…and together we need to find a way to get all of those things to have less of a negative effect on their daily walk. I like to process following a multi-step journey: thinking, feeling, articulating, advocating and finally, empowerment/life change.

THINKING: Each of us has a lifetime of family life, education, peer groups, experiences, jobs, church life, and sometimes some trauma that leads us to our opinions of how to view our current situation. As we face a new energy-draining situation, our mind calls on past knowledge and experience to give us an opinion of how to go forward. Sometimes this opinion is spot on and other times, it is informed by something traumatic (triggers), leading us to some foggy thinking rather than clear and rational thought. Talking with a therapist about your history lets them know what life experiences in your past are informing how you respond to the situation in front of you.

FEELING: When faced with a tough moment in life, our emotions can sometimes get the best of us. In those moments of feeling abandoned, hurt, betrayed, or scorned, our response might look like anger instead of the real emotion. Sometimes there is a tendency to shut down, cry or have an anxiety attack instead of expressing the actual emotions being experienced. Being able to properly identity what emotion you are experiencing helps you to respond to a situation properly rather than with an emotion-response that fuels the disfunction in front of you.

ARTICULATING: Most people have a tendency to either bottle up emotions or let them run wild. This leads to arguments and interactions that become shut down or turns the conversation from an ant to a mole hill. Articulating at the right time, with carefully chosen words that accurately express how you feel and what you hope to see happen, leads to healthy interactions with people you love or at least have to live or work with on a regular basis. Having a safe space to write your script is important when navigating tough situations.

ADVOCATING: Once we have processed a situation or dynamic that required some unpacking, it is important to use that new understanding to advocate for yourself and others in a healthy manner. When you have processed well, you should have an understanding of why you were affected a particular way, an ability to express how you feel about the situation and words to describe how you would like to go forward with this new knowledge and clarity. You should know better how to explain yourself and what needs are being met or need attention.

LIFE CHANGE: Often at the summation of counseling, I will ask a client, “How will you know that the issue we have been processing is leading to life change?” It is important to have a goal for your processing that involves empowerment and improved relationships. People who utilize processing skills well, have better communication and conflict outcomes that indicate good boundaries, met goals and resolved conflict.

It is always a good self check to ask yourself if all your processing is leading to more drama or to a feeling of confidence with forward life movement. If there is a situation in your life that needs some working through, find a quiet space, a trusted friend or….let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

Posted on

Resolutions: Go big or go home!

 

Did you start this year thinking that you didn’t want to waste your time with resolutions this year? It is a week into February and many of us still can’t believe it is 2022.

At the beginning of each year, I encourage my active clients to start each year with some goals for the upcoming season in their life. Most like the exercise and we spend some of first sessions of the new year dreaming of what steps they should focus on as they strive to better their life in some way. This year is no different.

It can be difficult to dream big when you are in the middle of a crisis. By definition, everyone who is a client of mine is either in a crisis, a transition or in general need of accountability or support so it isn’t a surprise that they would want to do a hope building activity. But our world is in limbo right now as we wait to see what governments are going to decide about civil unrest, spread of disease and truths about how we live day to day. That makes all of us in need of accountability to stay on a good path. I recently read an article that discussed the ‘mass formation of psychosis” that is presenting because of the drama surrounding Covid-19. And I am definitely seeing Covid Fatigue, vaccine injury and an increase in depression and anxiety in many of my clients…so what should we do about that?

Now is the time to keep dreaming, hoping and working toward a better life. 

If you ever have wondered what you would have been like during a major war time in history or during a time where there was government crack down or civil unrest, you don’t have to wonder any more. We are in some very difficult times and the time in NOW to figure out who you are going to be. If and when we get out of this period, are you going to be able to look back and recount the ways you encouraged good things to occur in your life and the life of others? Or are you crossing your fingers in hopes that you just come out less scathed than everyone else?  As a former history teacher, I can confidently say that those who try to ride out the difficult times may survive but the people who don’t let circumstances control their destiny are the ones who emerge better and stronger than ever before. 

Have you already survived Covid-19? Have you had to reinvent yourself in the job market because of restrictions? Did you navigate home schooling, working from home and maybe having to up your game in the kitchen because you couldn’t eat out as much? Well congratulations! Give yourself some well deserved appreciation and now set your sights higher. Hope is a most powerful tool so don’t be afraid to use it to become the hero of your own life.

Trust me. I know what it is like to feel discouraged, hopeless and like everything you are trying isn’t working the way it should. You all know my story so you know that I have more than my share of those days. But at the start of each day, we each have a chance to use the circumstances that we have been given, to run the race with our whole heart, soul and strength. I encourage you to dream bigger this year than ever before.

Moved to Texas and cleared all our medical debt!

Sit down by yourself, with your spouse, with your kids or a good friend and verbalize some dreams for 2022. Is it a move to a place you have always wanted to live? Is it finally getting out of debt? (I recently cleared a whole lot of medical debt and let me tell you…that feels like an accomplishment!) Is it repairing a relationship with a wayward child or old friend? What is pulling on your heart and soul but you are afraid to commit to, because the world is a bit upside down? 

I have some goals for this year and some of them seem impossible to me with the current state of affairs but that challenge might be what keeps me from listening to the lies that are being told out there. Trying times are actually the times where long told stories are born and legacies are made. Join me! Let’s not miss out on this amazing opportunity to face our fears, rely on the God who made us and make 2022 the best year of our life. 

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love, 

Sonia

Posted on

Shaming: A Form of Cultural Manipulation?

Warning: I am on day 6 of a round of chemo so my inhibitions are down. You can only imagine what this one week on/one week off protocol  is like for the people I live with. But I got some things that my boundary seeking self just can’t let go…

There is a very popular post going around on Social Media that basically says that because you don’t know what is in a McDonald’s hamburger or what is in your deodorant or what was in the vaccines you had as a child, you should blindly accept what is being passed out as the savior of the world: the Rona Vaccine. Honestly, it is not my opinion of the vaccine that feels insulted, it is my intelligence.

Let me publicly state that if you want to get the vaccine, I encourage you to do so. If that alleviates your fears and allows you to interact with your elderly mom or the people you work with, by all means, do what you have to do. But listen up…if you try to SHAME me into your line of thinking or act as if you have some moral pedestal custom made for you, then I have to speak out for myself and my growing list of clients who are literally being traumatized by the smugness out there. 

The fact of the matter is that we will not know for a very long time what the lasting effects of any new drug will be. There may be many good reasons to risk the long term effects for the immediate result of having life get back to normal. People’s lives are being ruined by unemployment, mental distress, lack of human contact and if a vaccine offers a return to normalcy, let’s have an open discussion that evaluates the risks and the benefit of accepting those risks. As a cancer patient, I take straight poison in hopes that  killing cancer cells will outweigh the destruction of the healthy cells happening at the same time. I am not risk adverse, but taking educated risks is healthier than uneducated, naive and I-choose-not-to-think risks. SOMEONE, ANYONE, give me an amen.

Until you have received a diagnosis that changes your life forever because you took Zantac for an ulcer or used talcum powder to freshen yourself up…or watched a child suffer from Guillain-Barre after a flu vaccine, or are living with autism in your family because your child had the reaction that only a small percentage of people have, it may be in your best interest to make a decision that is right for you and not feel that you need to condemn those who may not agree. And please don’t ask those people who trusted once, to blindly trust again because if they don’t, they are hindering others from going to a concert. 

I commented on a few of these posts and the response was basically that because I have cancer, my circumstance is different and maybe I was over-reacting to the post. Ironic that one of those who thought I was overreacting was the Biology teacher that taught me about viruses to begin with. He is the reason I know that we can’t outrun a virus…it will always catch up through mutation. I respect his decision to vaccinate because he is elderly and wants to see his grandkids…but oohhh…anyone who knows me, knows that I advocate for boundaries, freedom and personal empowerment and I hate it when people try to shut me up by suggesting I might be overreacting. Didn’t your mama tell you to never tell a woman to calm down when she is just getting started?

Wanna know something funny? The literature that comes with my chemotherapy says in bold print: DO NOT RECEIVE VACCINATIONS OF ANY KIND WHILE ON THIS TREATMENT. ALSO, REFRAIN FROM CONTACT WITH ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN RECENTLY VACCINATED. I don’t know why this warning on a box of poison makes me crack up. Don’t be near anyone who has recently been vaccinated? Think that one through as it should inform anyone who is wondering about how to protect themself, either with a vaccine or otherwise.

I am fortunate. It turns out that despite being exposed to Covid several times, the most I seem to get is what feels like a bad cold. My health limitations do not seem to be a hinderance but I can’t help but wonder if the fact that I do know what is in my food, shampoo, deodorant and cleaning products is helping me fight from a position of strength. I actually research vaccines before blindly accepting them after I watched my daughter loose the use of her legs for 3 days after a routine flu vaccine and was told we got lucky because the paralysis wasn’t permanent. Maybe this is why I choose to understand my risks and not just follow the crowd out of fear. 

Many of my clients have shared that they are exhausted by the shaming that comes with having a counter cultural thought process, and I am not just talking about vaccines. Are you living life in fear, by letting others coax you into decisions that don’t feel right for your situation or are you making your decisions from a place of confidence, after doing research that matches your life situation? Are there other situations in your life, marriage, job, education and family where you see this pattern? Fear based decisions or choices made because people have made us feel bad, are rarely our best decisions. I encourage you to advocate for yourself in your relationships, your job, and your health by knowing what risks you are taking,  and evaluating whether or not the outcome will be worth it to you.

And when you make a decision that is right for you, I will be the first to cheer you on.

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

Posted on

Discernment: Use it or lose it

If I had a dollar for every time a client said to me…

“I knew that I shouldn’t have (married that guy, trusted that person, stayed in that job, gone to that party, taken that loan, bought that car, tried that drug….) but I ignored the feeling”…

Well, let’s just say I would have a few dollars.

We all have an inner compass that guides us through life. We refer to it as our gut, intuition, our energy, the Holy Spirit. That internal guide works to convict us, warn us, alert us and protect us. It can also work to confirm decisions, tell us who to trust and push us to do something good. But for some reason, many times when we are getting our strongest messages, we hesitate to listen because it may mean that we have to give up something we want or alter our path to a journey that appears more difficult to navigate and because of that, we ignore it.

Unfortunately, when we fail to trust our gut, listen to our heart, and use our discernment, it all gets a little foggy. That muscle doesn’t increase in strength, it gets weak and confused and maybe even stops working at all, leading to more bad decisions, disappointment and heartbreak.

Ohhhh….if I could back up my own life and walk away earlier from that bad business partner, that terrible church, that boss….right? Can you think of times that you allowed yourself to get beat up because you didn’t listen to that inner voice?

If you feel like you need to strengthen that muscle again, take some steps to build it up by pushing the pause button when it starts to work for you. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you are wondering if you should listen to the warning bell ringing in your head, or pay attention to the red flag waving at you:

Do I have to make this decision RIGHT NOW or can I take some time to get good counsel and think it through?

Am I making this decision just to please other people?

Does this decision benefit me as much in the future as it does in the present?

Is this situation similar to anything in my past? If so, can I use the wisdom gleaned from that situation to inform this one?

Is there anything about my situation that appears too good to be true? Should I examine this a bit more?

Will other people get hurt by this decision? Do I need to consider that before I commit to it?


Discernment is a gift. You may not always like what it is telling you to do. Honestly, that most likely is the time to really listen. Learning to trust the spirit in you is a process that leads to empowerment. Give it a try.

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia