A couple months ago, I wrote a piece about how to rock the college essay. Since then, I have worked on a few essays and college applications with clients and I must confess that I get invested in these kids and their next steps! It takes me back to going through the process with my own kids, and I want to help these individuals express themselves in a way that a stranger reading about them will think they are perfect for the school of their choice. I am not thrilled that I have to wait so long to hear the outcome!
Is this the time to stop helicoptering?
So when I read an article the other day about how parents need to stop helicoptering and let their children apply to college without any intervention, I wondered if offering these services to my clients is me not letting teenage kids grow up through this process. But, if you follow me at all, you know that I am a shoot-it-straight kind of gal and this is where I landed. We live in a world of high achieving people and that ‘driven mentality’ is not going anywhere. For most parents of kids applying to college, they have attended about a million back to school nights and teacher conferences. They have cheered from the sidelines in the rain or the sweaty gym. They have made almost-midnight runs to get glue for projects that will end up under a bed. So….is the ‘college application’ the time for these invested individuals to not at least check in on that process. I hardly think so.
Before I say the next thing, let me preface it with I LOVE TEACHERS! I was a high school teacher, my kids have been blessed by teachers and teachers by in large are a fine group of people. But here is what I found out when I had two kids going through the apply-to-college stage of senior year. In my day, kids applied to a couple schools and worked on their essays in English class. Today, our youngsters are applying to an average of 8 schools. Experts are suggesting that kids apply to 12 so that they have negotiating power at the finish line. Our teachers do not have the bandwidth to read all those applications, write recommendation letters and continue to offer vibrant curriculum in the first couple of months in the school year. You cannot rely on your teachers to catch every grammatical error or have the time to encourage your little darling to restructure the last paragraph because it makes no sense whatsoever. They are preparing your child to go to college but they are not responsible to get them in.
Other adults have to step in and assist with this process. Why? Because choosing a college is like choosing a home: You want the best home, in the best location, for the best price so that you will be happy and not want to move. Just like you most likely would not purchase a home for yourself without getting at least a little input from someone you trust, your child might need a little support as they choose an institution, to be their alma mater, throughout their life on earth. This is done by researching for best fit, applying to schools that meet your decided upon criteria, and then offering up the best possible application that your child can put together in a few weeks time.
Use the common application but go the distance
The Common Application is a new tool that is important for this process. For those of you navigating through it, you know that more and more colleges and universities are allowing students to use it, which is WONDERFUL! But here is my caution to you…read the fine print. Some applications allow students to use this tool and then have some optional questions. If there are optional questions on an application, the answer is YES…you should complete those questions if you have any desire to attend that university and most especially, if you are hoping to have them float some funds your way. And before you say, “I don’t think we are going to get any financial aid”, let me assure you, almost everyone can get some and you don’t want to ruin that opportunity because you didn’t feel like answering a few questions.
the time for celebration comes in a blink of an eye
I want to close with some encouraging words now that I have probably stressed a few of you out. The fact of the matter is that during the application window of time, it seems like you are running around with your head cut off. Your child is retaking SAT and ACT tests and resending results and application deadlines are all over the board. You are deciding whether to do rolling admission, early admission and whether you think you want to spend $100 to apply to a reach school. And then as soon as the crazy starts, you enter the longgggggg wait. It is important that you remember this is the last year that your child will have this time. Don’t spend it worrying if they are going to be admitted to their #1 choice but rather, know that you have put in the work and what is meant to be, will happen.
And then enjoy those acceptance letters. If your child has set realistic goals according to their abilities and done the research for best fit, you will get acceptance letters. Celebrate.
As always, let me know if I can help.
Sonia
In my first career after college and graduate school, I was a high school teacher in Southern California for about eight years. That seems like a lifetime ago, mostly because it was, but it is an experience that has impacted my current work as a psychotherapist most profoundly. 
Try reading your essay out loud. People have a tendency to visually correct mistakes without even realizing it.
You might already know that mental health professionals use a book called the DSM to support diagnosis in the counseling space. This book has all the descriptions and codes necessary for us to better understand our clients, but also gives codes used by doctors to insurance agencies to represent the client issues. A few years ago, a new and updated DSM was issued and one of the BLARING omissions was the diagnosis for Narcissism. That is because, for something to be abnormal behavior, the majority of the population can’t be diagnosed with it. Well, my fellow Americans, you can see where this is going! The majority of Americans fall somewhere on the spectrum so it is considered normal. No formal diagnosis… but the folks who noticeably fall into the spectrum make life a little tricky for the rest of us.
are not just selfish, greedy people. There are plenty of those around but they may not be narcissists by definition. In fact, there are a large number of people who have narcissistic tendencies in positions of ministry, the military, teaching and other very admirable occupations. Quite honestly, many narcissists are extremely friendly, engaging and charismatic. 
conflict comes when concessions need to be made. If you are in a relationship where you feel like the only one making concessions, and your efforts go mostly unnoticed, you might need to come up with some strategies to work with your narcissistic counterpart. You might also need help identifying the “hook and pull” that occurs when the narcissist finally identifies that you might have had enough and they work extra hard to get you back to orbiting their world via words of affirmation, actions that have been requested numerous times in the past, or gifts. And…if truth be told, you may need a nudge to come up with a plan for if your strategy doesn’t work. 
Hotchkiss, in her book Why Is It Always About You?, lays out some ways to identify and work with the narcissists you love, have to work with or even those you helped to create. This book is life changing for many and has helped me, deal with some people who I don’t want to abandon, but also enabled me to walk away from a few relationships that were not worth the ongoing effort.
