If there is one thing I love about the family I have, is that we do a whole lot of communicating. There is something so adorable about my teenagers telling me that they “don’t want to talk about it”, and then plopping down on the edge of my bed, to do just that. Even if I had intended to go to sleep, my parenting make-it-or-break-it moments often involve talking about “it” until I can barely keep my eyes open. Someday, these moments are going to be the bedrock of a mature relationship between my adult children and me. It is something I learned from my mother and I intend to pass it on.
All four members of my family are somewhat introverted and often need to be alone to sort out inner thoughts. However, we are all quite talkative when that sorting out is all done. Like every family, not every conversation is a love fest and we suffer breakdowns in communication when the subject matter is difficult, controversial or simply uncomfortable. I have come to understand that the more awkward the conversation, the more important it is to muscle through to the other side. It is not about regaining control of any issue, but rather about getting to the place where the real stuff resides and deep relationship can be fostered. It is about allowing authenticity and truly knowing one another. The process is not always pretty but there is nothing more beautiful than a family dynamic that has love, trust and open communication.
When I went into the field of psychotherapy, I was following a call to work with women, in a ministry capacity. However, in the course of study, I learned a whole lot about relationship dynamic and this, coupled with my life experience, makes me confident when I speak into families in need of therapy. What other people view as “listening to other people’s problems”, I see as solving a relational puzzle where parents and children, who all want healthy relationships, do and say things that complicate what God intends to be somewhat harmonious.
Not surprisingly, by the time parents come to me for family therapy, the break down in communication with their children has already occurred. Another issue has been brought to their attention, whether it be drama within their children’s peer group, bad grades or finding out about alcohol or drug abuse, and they want to re-establish lines of communication so that they can feel “back in control” as parents. While communication is always a good thing to try and cultivate, it gets more difficult to do when those lines have been severed for any amount of time.
If the only time you enter into deep conversation with your kids is when the matter is dire, you have set yourself up for resistance and inauthentic communication. If communication only occurs if things are “all good” or worse yet, “all bad”, the relationship is simply not mature. My heart breaks for families in counseling who had no idea their child has been in an abusive relationship, has been regularly doing drugs or is past the point of no return with their poor grades. It is equally disturbing when children don’t alert their parents to awards at school, job promotions or the possibility of a romantic relationship. Quick tip: It is tough to reconnect into meaningful relationship when you haven’t been practicing empathy along the way.
Building relationship takes a lot of time. It takes being willing to listen, even when what the other person is saying initially makes no sense. Meaningful relationship requires sacrifice by both parties. There are times when parents may have to give up the social hour with friends or disappoint a domineering boss. Children may have to turn off the technology and use words that aren’t abbreviations to express what is happening in their life. But it is worth it. Our greatest desire as humans, in relationship with one another, is to be known and loved. Families that practice knowing and loving can weather the tough times and want to celebrate the good times with one another.
Whether your family is just starting out or you are ready to launch your now taller-than-you, mini-adults, the communication between parents and kids has to be real and a regular part of your life. If you can’t remember the last time your family had a good heart to heart, you better do something to make that happen. Parents do well to acknowledge the feelings and opinions of their developing children so that they can guide, direct and sometimes let the little darlings fail. They also do well to be honest about their own feelings and open about how their viewpoints became part of their adult persona. This is how trust is built between parent and child. This kind of interaction established early on, allows a parent/child relationship to morph into a trusting mature relationship, when everyone involved can drive a car, vote, drink alcohol, pro-create and pay taxes. Don’t be afraid….talk amongst yourselves…you won’t be sorry.