One of the indicators for me, as a counselor, when offering therapy to disgruntled spouses, parents frustrated with their children or individuals seeking to better their work situation, is the ability of the client to “let the good in”. By the time people come to counseling, their problem is somewhat significant. Smaller issues can be solved, for most people, on the back porch with a friend or family member and a glass of iced tea. But the biggies, the ones that cause people to think that they may leave a spouse, ask a child to vacate their home or tell their boss to “take this job and shove it”, are the problems that I am honored to help sort out. A factor or characteristic that I look for in my clients, is their ability to let the needed changes occur.
Let me be clear. There are some family and work relationships where countless mulligans have been extended and for those, sometimes the attrition that occurs in battle cannot be overcome. In those situations, my job is to direct people to grieve what has been lost and create a healthier new normal. But for those who come in with sincere hearts and individuals who are truly trying to overcome differences, it can be frustrating for everyone involved, when one person clings to their belief that the other person is not doing enough to get the momentum going in the right direction.
On a national scale, we can see this dynamic in minority relations. We live in a country that strives, literally works its tail off, to accommodate people of many different cultures, faiths and genetic make-up. Unless you never watch TV, are unfamiliar with the internet or live in the woods, you can’t help but notice that in many countries around the world, folks who differ even slightly from the dominant culture are shunned, imprisoned, exploited, and killed. But we rarely celebrate how far we have come as a nation. As a child of immigrants, who experienced some prejudice in their early lives, I experience almost none as their child. The local country club that shunned my mother in the 60’s because of her olive skin and thick accent, is now filled with members of every race and culture. Times have changed. Progress has been made. But the hatred that fills our streets and threatens our society is a built-up frustration that, at times, is unwilling to allow the positive change that has already occurred, to bring hope that momentum has been established. We need to celebrate the success so that those participating in the game-changing still want to give it all they’ve got. We need to celebrate the accomplishments so that momentum will continue rather than stop as we bicker some more.
A couple weeks ago, a very white and very male, friend of mine, who has dedicated his life to bringing quality education to the inner city of Washington DC, was accosted by a woman at the gas station for being white and being male. She even felt it necessary to comment about his weight. I feel comfortable giving Derrick Max and Cornerstone Schools a shout out right here, because he posted this experience on Facebook and he is literally friends with EVERYONE. This man left a lucrative job as a lobbyist because he felt God’s tugging and works daily in a school that endeavors to help kids, all of minority status, to overcome poverty through quality education. Because of his love for his work, he took the verbal beating and went back to his job, but it had to be discouraging to say the least. And at what point, do the people, doing what he is doing, give up because they feel like they are trying and no one is seeing their efforts?
It is just like the husband, who is trying to win his wife back but there aren’t enough girls nights out or surprise gifts or flowers to make her happy. She is stuck on the “yeah, but you didn’t used to…” Or the kid who has raised their grades and given up the bad friends, but the parents do not extend any trust. It is difficult for all people to make changes so celebrating and rewarding those changes, no matter how ridiculous it seems to the one who is hurt, works for everyone in the equation. In the end, if the individuals making the effort to build trust and communication aren’t recognized for their better behavior, like anyone learning a new skill, they will give up, go back to old habits or take their new found self-improvement and move on to people, families and jobs where appreciation is extended.
Why are we afraid to let the good in? Is it because we think it means that we are excusing bad behavior, or that if we let our guard down the bad behavior might come back? Those, no doubt, are risks. Again, if those risks have proven true in a personal situation over and over again, boundaries for self protection need to be set. But there is another risk that should be considered. There is the risk that people who care, are committed to relationship or want to build trust and community, might move on to situations where that is possible. Problem solving only occurs when efforts for communication take place, expectations are set and movement toward change is celebrated. So take a deep breath. In with the good…out with the bad…and let that bad go so that relationship can be restored.
Sonia
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Moriah Ventures, LLC
720.449.2235