This afternoon my husband and I fixed our broken washing machine. As I sip my celebratory beverage, I reflect on how this accomplishment is an indication of how far our marriage has come in its 23 years. (It is also AMAZING what you can Google these days.) There was a time in our marriage when calling the repairman was as much for our marriage than whatever issue was at hand. I actually remember a time, many moons ago, when we may have simply replaced a few broken appliances rather than venture into the world of DIY repairs. When two independent, opinionated and generally competent people try to problem solve, the results vary and sometimes words are exchanged that simply aren’t relationship-building. Anyone tracking with me here?
Much like fixing a broken washing machine, it takes effort and numerous attempts to get relationship right. Today started with sitting on the couch, watching the video of a very experienced, articulate repairman slowly walk us through the step-by-step process of replacing the bellow in the drum of a machine. But watching the video once was not enough. As we encountered next steps, each of us remembered the directions slightly differently or understood the directions to mean different things. Just like we had to rewind the video, move the laptop into the laundry room and replay sections over and over again, as we attempted to fix our washing machine, communication for the sake of relationship building within a marriage requires applying methodology provided by experts, moving the solution closer to the problem, and multiple attempts at getting it right.
We often hear that relationships should be 50-50 or another approach; if both people aren’t giving 100%, is isn’t a healthy relationship. Both models are unrealistic. In relationship, our best effort at any given time can range in its level of contribution. The goal is not to keep account of who is maintaining a proper level of contribution, but rather to keep contributing as best you can.The idea is that, over time in a healthy relationship, there will be times when each member contributes more or less, because of the bandwidth in their own life, but in the end, each will have contributed to the betterment of the relationship. This process requires a willingness from both parties, to be an encourager and to allow their partner to encourage them. This encouragement can take the form of kind words and deeds, but it can also be in the form of loving confrontation. Friends don’t let friends put parts in backwards, especially when that can lead to a flooded laundry room.
A few days ago we had a small leak that we caught and worked as a team, with the help of Amazon.com and Google, to alleviate. We are a couple laundry loads into a feeling of reassurance that our efforts were successful, at fixing what could have been a very expensive repair. It is important, in relationship, to take steps toward repair before the damage exceeds what your relationship is capable of enduring.
Although I completely agree with what you are saying, what happens (or should happen) when the relationship is not particularly healthy, like when one partner has an addiction?
You bring up an excellent question, Scott. Addictions need to be treated therapeutically,separate from marriage counseling. If one partner is struggling with addiction, it is impossible to have a relationship that is healthy. The health of an individual’s relationships are directly in relation to their personal health.