As a member of the American Counseling Association, I am encouraged to stay educated on the latest statistical data surrounding human emotional dysfunction. Let’s just say that recently I have been reading a lot of articles about sex and I feel compelled to say a few things.
Here are some facts. With the recent surge and availability of pornographic materials accessible via the internet, more and more couples and singles have found that their initial interest in porn is turning into an addiction to porn, or an inability to find sexual satisfaction outside the use of pornography. If you had told me before graduate school how much I would be talking about sex in the counseling space, I would not have believed you. But because of the cultural norms of today and the availability of pornography, let’s just say I talk about sex A LOT. I would also like to add that I am very concerned that if this problem is not addressed, the repercussions are going to play out detrimentally in the marriage bed.
Just to give you a little statistical information, current estimates are suggesting that the AVERAGE age of the first exposure to pornography is 11. That is the fifth or sixth grade for most kids. This happens primarily because websites that target kids, purposefully choose domain names that are close to websites popular with kids. It also happens because parents of kids forget to clear their browsers or don’t want controls on their computers. Curious kids that click through the images are then stimulated by the images and often return to the images without a lot of understanding of what they are seeing, other than the physical response they experience as stimulating and rewarding.
Fast forward to the prolonged use of pornography: Because porn is a supernormal experience of the real thing, the brain adjusts its release of dopamine (pleasure hormone stuff) to accommodate the images and subsequent pleasure. Unfortunately, if this goes on for a while, the person who continues to engage with pornography might find themselves depressed when they are at a “baseline” state, needing the visuals just to alleviate a bad mood. They also may find themselves unable to perform in real life “situations” because the stimulus and atmosphere do not compare to what they have experienced online. (I bet the manufacturers of Viagra love this!) But sadly, you can imagine what this does to a marriage relationship. No normal human being, with a job and a couple of kids can compete with enhanced sexual images that are being produced in an artificial environment.
Like all addictions, it is important to understand that if a sexual addiction goes untreated, negative behaviors can escalate. Sexual addiction starts as needing artificial stimulation for a sexual experience but can manifest in later stages of addiction as compulsion….compulsive masturbation, anonymous sex, etc. (Of course, sex offenders are people whose sex addiction has gone WAY off the charts, but since I really don’t see people in my practice who fall into that range of addiction, I am going to keep it simple.)
Back to MARRIAGE! Sex in marriage is supposed to be more about intimacy and connection and a bit less about getting an itch scratched! When couples come for counseling and express that their sex life doesn’t exist without the use of pornography as stimulation, it is an indicator of dysfunction within their interpersonal relationship and the road to healing can be difficult. And because millennials have been “culturalized” to view porn, their marriages are suffering the most! Did you know that millennials of today have sex LESS than any previous generation because they find pornography an easier “outlet” to sexual satisfaction????? Hmmmmm….that is a whole discussion in itself.
So, what if couples worked on communication more and found ways to bring their excitement to the bedroom? And what if foreplay started with someone making coffee for the one they love in the AM and progressed through the day with encouragement and stimulating conversation? And what if the approach to sex was how to care for the individual you are in love with and less about checking a box? Is there a chance that marriages could be satisfying and worth hanging on to? Are you willing to give it a try?
As always, let me know if I can help.
With love,
Sonia