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Life Coaching for LEGACY: What are your long term goals?

One of the most fulfilling parts of my job is the moment that I am sitting with a client and they realize that the ‘crisis’ they came in with, sometimes months before is gone, being handled or in a state that is manageable. There is a feeling of aaawwwww when our conversations change from how-to-get-through-each-day and move into life coaching. Life coaching is different than crisis counseling. It is a next steps process that is intended to help a client reach long-term life goals and lead a fulfilling existence, beyond a crisis management life mode.

Many of us want to leave a legacy. We want to live beyond our physical bodies on earth through the impact we made. For you, this could be a financial legacy or a relational legacy. It could be something like a garden or a dream home you design and build. It might be a published work. Whatever it is, the process of achieving that goal has to actually start if the dream is going to be realized!

Let’s get this show on the road!

Here are just a few questions that I like to dig into with my clients going in this direction:

1. What is it that empowers you each day? Is it faith, personal drive, career goals, family? What and who are your “why” for all that you do?

If we take some time to understand what motivates us and why, we often uncover goals that conflict with one another and goals that line up well with on another. This helps with setting reasonable timelines and milestone markers. It is important to know why you are doing life!

2. What are you doing when you feel the MOST “you”?  How often is this happening?

We are lots of things to many people but there are moments in life when something deep inside our soul moves and lets us know we are where we are supposed to be. It took me well into my forties to discover this for myself, but now that I know, I seek out opportunities where I can thrive!

3. When you think of leaving a legacy, where would you like to see that happen? Do you want to leave a large inheritance for your children, rich relationships with friends and family, service to others, political change? (There are no right or wrong answers!)

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have it all! However, setting priorities keeps us focused so that we don’t achieve less important goals in place of our ultimate goals!

4. What does the confident version of yourself dream about?

If you take a realistic inventory of your skills and potential and attach a dream to them, what does that look like?

5. What uncomfortable step needs to happen in order for the legacy to be put in motion? Is it a job change, a move, a change in relationship?

Is there an obvious first step that you need to take? That may need to be your #1 goal in the short run if you are ever going to get started on building the life you want!

6. Who can you rely on as a support system in your life journey?

It is difficult to achieve life goals when you don’t have community. I operate best with a small, very loyal community. Others need a personal cheerleading squad. Know who and what you need to stay encouraged and then take steps to get that support system in place.

7. What is keeping you from starting now?

I always said I would do missions work when my kids were grown. Then a woman I know who had babies at home went to Africa for a few weeks and her family survived! I have been doing missions ever since. What literal or imagined obstacles are holding you back from your dreams?

Here is what I know from the counseling I do and life I have lived. There will always be another crisis. They usually come out of nowhere and threaten to strip our lives of all happiness and meaning. That is why it is important to know what the long term goals are…what is propelling you to live each day fully and with intent? I hope to have a few decades to explore, to dream and leave a legacy!

Join me! I would love to help.

Love,
Sonia

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New Luggage: Turning the old baggage of life into a story

A couple years ago, I made the decision to “invest” in good luggage. I was done with the discounted luggage I had picked up at Marshalls or TJ Maxx that had to be repaired with duct tape after a few trips. I do my share of globe-trotting, so I felt it was time.

I have a clear memory of going with my parents to The Broadway, a local department store in my hometown, back in the 70’s, to buy the yellow, hard-sided, 5 piece set that my family took to Venezuela, the first time the Gusiff family went together for an almost month-long stay. So I dragged my husband, Mike, to Macy’s, where there is a decent sized luggage department, to help me make an adult-like purchase. I did online research and considered size, shape, and wheel quality in my purchase. I read a number of customer reviews. I applied for a Macy’s credit card and I made the purchase.

My bag has been around the world, on family vacations and business trips. I thought we were going to be life-long companions. The literature had promised me something like 30 years. That was until I hoisted it off the conveyor belt after my latest trip to Mexico and the handle and a wheel were not okay. I could barely role that 50 lb. monster out of the airport. (Actually, Mike could barely roll it…let’s be honest, he is my bellhop when I travel…) My reliable luggage must have gotten hung up somewhere between the plane and me, and the damage was too much.

Isn’t that the way it goes? We are traveling through life, things are cruising along and then we get hit with some unexpected damage: An illness, a job loss, a death or a break-up. After a while, we have accumulated enough of these experiences to say that we have “baggage”.

We all have baggage. We all have struggles, hurts and deep pain that has caused us to stumble at times in our life. I spend my days sitting with others who are in the midst of battles that seem overwhelming and unbeatable at times. One of the most powerful counseling tools is when the client is in a place in therapy, where they are healed enough to use their life situation for the empowerment of another. Sometimes the best way to heal from our own hurt is to help another in their similar battle!

In the car on the way to work this morning, I heard the opening lines to Big Daddy Weave’s song, My Story, and almost burst into tears!

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn’t let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn’t mine

I have a story that has its share of dramatic moments. I bet you do too. How do we cling to the promise that God works together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)? How do we reframe the struggles of life and learn to tell our story in a way that communicates not only the pain but the victory?

What part of your story are you willing to share with someone going through the same thing? Are you willing to sit with another person through the loss of something important in their life because you know what that feels like? You might be surprised at how much you are blessed when you do!

I mentioned a trip to Mexico. It was actually my 12th mission trip in the last 8 years. This time, I served on a team of women, all volunteers with Thrive Ministry. We all have a story. We are cancer survivors, widows, divorcees, women who have buried their children, trauma survivors and so much more. But the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the King of Kings, The Great Healer, our Amazing God has allowed us to use our stories. We get to experience the joy of serving other people who are hurting and when we do, our story doesn’t feel as overwhelming, as painful.

A package just came in the mail today. It is my new luggage. Same brand, just a newer model. I can’t wait to see where we go next!

With love,

Sonia

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Rejection: Bad news or good information?

I have a client who is encouraging me to write more. Because of all the HIPAA-ish laws surrounding counselors and clients, I have to be VERY careful not to divulge any specific information about this person, but let’s just say it is a counselor-client relationship that works really well because my specialties line up with her life/journey work. Recently she sent me a list of “Sonia-isms” that she has found helpful and I now have a topic list for my blog that should last me through the end of summer, at the very least.

So here it is, the first “Sonia-ism” that meant something to someone I work with…

If someone tells you that they don’t love you, you need to believe them.

Nobody likes rejection. Whether the rejection comes overtly or subtly, the pain that comes with being told or shown that you are not valued can hit hard. I am often sitting with clients as they sift through the dynamics of a relationship-gone-bad and when we uncover that their love is unrequited and they are not valued in the relationship being discussed, it is pain-fulllllll. And that is when boundaries of the heart must be set.

The hard thing about setting boundaries is that after a visit to the counselor, there is pumped-up adrenaline for confronting all the people in your life who are overstepping boundaries with you. You equip yourself with words and phrases, to tell them that for you to be happy in the relationship, some of your expectations must be met as well. When playing this scenario out in your mind, or in front of your bathroom mirror, your friend, boss or relative always responds with, “Oh my gosh! I had no idea you felt so used and abandoned by me! I will do anything I can to repair this relationship!” Sadly, this is not usually what happens. It sometimes happens though, so don’t stop trying!

Oftentimes, you might find yourself sitting across the table from someone who has NO interest in changing anything about their interactions with you. In fact, they may feel burdened by the relationship and see YOU as the crazy one! When you take that step to be vulnerable and take the risk to ask for what you feel is necessary for the relationship to continue, and you get a blank stare or an empty promise, and it turns out that the real answer is, “Ummm. Nope, I think you are overreacting….or I prefer that you do all the heavy-lifting in our relationship”, that can hurt like a mama….yep, that can STING!

But I am going to encourage YOU in the same way that I encourage my clients! REJECTION IS GOOD INFORMATION! Before that gut-wrenching conversation, the reason you hung on to that hanging-by-a-thread relationship was that you did not know for sure what the other person thought! You had guessed and hoped for the best! Once you KNOW that you are not a priority for that person, you can release them, guilt-free, and not be a puppet to their manipulation any longer!  Take the time you need to grieve the loss of love, the loss of time, the loss of hope for something beautiful and scurry along to relationships that are reciprocal and life-giving.

Now the disclaimer here is this: Spouses and family members may not be easy to release, and there are some steps that are required if you want to feel good about emotionally or physically deserting any of these folks. But ignoring rejection often prolongs deep seeded hurt and promotes abusive relationships. Don’t be that person who lives with regret because you don’t want to accept that someone doesn’t love you the way you love them. Your love is valuable and precious, and in healthy relationships, your love is appreciated and returned. It saddens me to hear, “I should have known” or “The signs were there, I just didn’t pay attention,” when I am coaching someone in their efforts to begin their life again. Listen to the words of the person across the table.

Let the truth set you free….

Love,

Sonia

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Mind, Body, Soul: New Year Resolutions Can Start Now!

I know that it is more than half way through the first month of the year. I also know that the holiday season can really take it out of us, making it hard to start the new year going to the gym and changing our diets to meet the demands of our repeat New Year Resolutions. I want to encourage you, even if it is a late start, to set some goals for 2018. I do this with my clients, not to impose more stress into their life, but to remind them that personal change can only happen if we make alterations to our unhealthy patterns.

For 2018, I am suggesting the theme, MIND, BODY AND SOUL. Even though my area of expertise tends to focus on the emotional, I am finding it more and more a part of my responsibility, as I encourage clients to embrace mental health, to also encourage physical and spiritual health as well. It is all connected. We are holistic beings that need more than one area of our life to be healthy if we want to feel empowered and content.

So, if you are ready to make 2018 one of your personal bests, consider some of the following:

MIND:

Stress, toxic relationships and lack of positive stimulation can lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, anxiety and even anger. Identifying the triggers to a negative thought process is just the beginning to changing the course of your emotional health. Consider trying a new hobby, reading a book on a topic you are interested in or joining a new club or small group at church, where you can meet people who you relate with. Positive relationships and intellectual challenge are high on the list of things to do to fight the aging process so start now!

BODY:

We often think about exercising when we want to lose weight, but the benefits of movement go beyond how we look in a bathing suit. The endorphins created when we move our bodies also help with mood, energy and sexual drive. If you tend to fight the blues in these winter months, turn on the music and dance around your kitchen if you have to, but keep moving!

Additionally, think about what you are putting in your body as you head into 2018. Taking nutritional supplements, eating real food and cutting back on sugar are good ways to fight depression! Getting at least 15 minutes of direct sunlight everyday is also a good way to keep the mood positive, which can be difficult for some. For those that live in places that don’t get sun, add some Vitamin D or some Sam E to your regimen so that you stave off dark thoughts.

SOUL:

Our spiritual side needs to be nurtured as well if we want to feel personal progress in the new year. Meditation and prayer have been proven to calm nerves, help with anxiety and help with creativity. Finding a time in each day to center your thoughts, focus on faith and love, and process your life, is beneficial for everyone. If you enjoy corporate worship, think about returning to a congregation you enjoy or trying a new one. Another way to feed the soul is to volunteer for a cause close to your heart. It is not uncommon to leave a time of personal sacrifice feeling like you were more blessed than the people or cause you served.

I hope some of these ideas will get you thinking about changes you can make in 2018! May it be a year of personal growth for you! Think MIND, BODY, SOUL!

As always, let me know if I can help.

Love,

Sonia

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Thanksgiving: It is easy to be grateful when you have just been to Africa

Sonia Nelson - Couchtime.netRecently, I returned from a trip to Africa, feeling abundantly grateful that my calling brings me back to the safety of my comfortable home in the United States. I absolutely love and feel called to do the work I do: I serve those who serve abroad. But I would be lying if I said it was easy for me to go. There is a cost to this kind of ministry, physically and emotionally. That said, I cannot describe the respect and love I have for the women I meet, who serve daily in orphanages, on co-op farms, in refugee camps, in medical centers, and in missional functions, in places where they often cannot find what we, here in America, consider basic needs. They battle all the same problems in marriage, family and work relationships, only they do it in places where they do not always have command of the language, resources are VERY slim, and much of their financial and emotional support lives oceans away.

Spiritual Girls Weekend for Weary Souls

For those of you who might be confused about what I do on these trips, here is a brief description. I have a couple organizations that I am a part of, that offer restorative conferences for women serving overseas. Some of these women are with Christian missional organizations and others are with organizations that are committed to building up communities around the world, with or without a faith-based component. The teams I work with offer counseling, pampering, and encouragement through music and motivational speaking to women who are pouring their lives out for those less fortunate. Think “Spiritual Girls Weekend” for weary souls.

I recently served in Mozambique, a country who sits around #7 for poorest nation status. Of the 25 poorest countries in the world, only a handful are not in Africa so Mozambique is a nation surrounded by other poor nations, with no real hope of big change in the near future. Mozambique continues to struggle after a recent bout with communism and while there is progress, it is very slow. I left for this last trip on October 30th and returned on November 15th to the splendor that accompanies the holiday season in the United States. The contrast between the poverty that I viewed looking out of the hotel where we stayed, and Christmas lights lining the roads in my community remind me how fortunate I am. Even in the toughest of financial struggles, I have always had food and shelter. I have never had to watch my children go hungry. And without fail, someone decorates my community each year with a lovely display of light at Christmas time.

Move from feeling to acting grateful

I am aware that it is easy to say that I feel grateful for what I have, with the images of the poor so fresh in my mind. So my challenge to myself this year is to go beyond feeling grateful. When we go around the table and I say I am thankful for my family, my friends, and my warm home, do I check the gratefulness box or do I continue the conversation and explore what is required of me? For example, it is humbling when supporters share their financial resources with me so that I can do what I do. How do I show my team of generous people, who give so that I can go, how grateful I am for the part they play in making the world a better place? How else can I serve to make use of every penny they invest?

Sonia Nelson - Couchtime.netLuke 12:48 reminds us that to whom much is given, much is required. So today I have to ask, “What does acting grateful look like after we have cleared the Thanksgiving meal dishes?” What skills, passions, and gifts do I have to offer and where else can I make a difference in the life of another? How do I actively show that I am grateful for it all?

Are you ready to move from wanting more to giving more? What skill or gift do you have to offer the world? Are you ready to move from feeling grateful to displaying gratefulness?

With love,

Sonia

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Relationships Gone Bad: Are You Waiting Too Long To Break The Cycle?

Sonia Nelson - Couchtime.net

Let’s be honest. By the time the broken marriage gets to my couch, it is not looking good. Most people use counseling as an opportunity to “do life in reverse”; to go backward and fix what has become unbearable. While it is always a good idea to give counseling a shot, timing can be everything, when you are trying to save any relationship. The earlier you seek help in the restoration of a bad relationship, the better.

Can you let the good back in?

When I am first meeting with people in a struggle, it is important to know where they are in the relationship journey. Are they early in the conflict and willing to do anything to save their investment or have they created a vivid scenario in their mind that involves moving out and starting over with someone else? It is also important to get a pulse on their ability to “reset” to an attitude that is open to healing, and an attitude willing to apologize and accept an apology. The two people in the relationship have to be willing to let the good back in.

Something to ask yourself when you are in a conflict with another person is, “If they say they are sorry and put effort into changing behaviors, will I be open to meeting them halfway?” Sometimes the answer to this question is a resounding YES! But oftentimes, the hurt runs too deep or the conflict has gone on too long and the emotional energy is just not there. It is important to guard against getting to this point, with relationships that are meaningful to you.

Both people have to agree to work!

Sonia Nelson - Couch Time.netAnother important step in understanding the course of the relationship struggle you are in is getting a full understanding if your commitment to change and restoration is being matched by the person with whom you are in conflict. My heart breaks for the spouse who has set up an appointment for counseling, in an effort to heal the relationship, only to hear their significant other refuses to accept their efforts for change. It takes two people to have a relational conflict and it takes two people to heal a relational conflict. Even in situations where there has been an overt infraction, such as an affair, there has to be a commitment from both people to make efforts to meet the needs of the other person. Failure to get this buy-in usually means the healing will not occur.

Are you in a relationship that is heading in the wrong direction? Are cycles that are draining your emotional energy beginning, or well underway? The time to address those cycles is now!

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia