My husband and I were some of the first parents we knew that allowed our 5th graders to have cell phones. You would have thought we bought them cocaine with all the flack from parents in our little community, who thought our use of cell phones was pre-mature. It makes me laugh out loud now because we would be normal today. Our decision at the time, appeared indulgent but in fact, we were trying to parent wisely. Mike traveled most of every week and when I dropped one child off for soccer practice and drove the other across town for dance, I needed to feel like both kids could get in contact me if there was an emergency. I am not sure if you have noticed but there is no such thing as a pay phone anymore.
Be encouraged. We did not hand our impressionable angels their devices and then act as if they were equipped in any way to use them in a mature way. We parented. No phones at the dinner table, no phones after we go to bed (this one changed later on), and absolutely nothing that could keep them from getting into college or getting a job was allowed on their phone. Early on, we established a family policy that allows any member of the family to view the contents of any other member’s phone and yes, we all have a tracking application so that any time, we can find one another if need be. You would actually be surprised at how the tracking device comes in handy for someone like me, who is directionally challenged. This policy started from day one and as a result, communication has always been open and now 7 years later, there is little need to check or track anything that is happening on our girls’ phones. Little need, because the communication was established before any crisis demanded that we intervene.
That said, there are some things that I can’t unsee. Through the years, our investigations have unveiled some interesting results. Since we implemented this strategy to keep our own kids safe, we do not interfere with other teens who text, Instagram and gm with our children. Because of my profession, I am not easily shocked but I have seen some things and read some things that would have to be viewed on cable because regular television would not allow it. When a few years ago our local junior high had a little scandal and what seemed like most of the eighth grade class had to register as sex offenders, I was not surprised. When a bunch of seniors got MIP’s right before graduation, again…not shocked. My participation in open technology seems to be rare because I know some mamas that would be shocked at what their little darlings are posting on social media. Some rules that I have come to believe should come with phones given to adolescents: clothes are always required for selfies, sharing information about the illegal drugs you are taking should be saved for your dealer, remember that screen shots mean that nothing only stays on the screen for a second.
There are some who think these methods are invasive but as a therapist who believes that you simply cannot over-communicate and that accountability within a family can be what saves a family from the trials associated with addiction and infidelity, these methods are part of parenting in a technology age. Remember, the accountability goes both ways and parenting in reverse is always more difficult than being pro-active. Kids should be allowed to look through their parent’s technology as well. Be advised, this kind of parenting does not work for families where mom or dad is having an affair, views pornography or uses technology to communicate in a way that they do not want their children emulating.
“Do what I say and not what I do” doesn’t work…you know that, right? If parents want a certain behavior from their children, they have to model it. I once had a client who wanted their child go on a mission trip and was having a hard time convincing their child that this was a worthwhile way to spend summer vacation time. I will never forget the confused look on their face when I innocently asked where the parents had served recently. Here it is. If you want your children to have an appreciation for good food, art and music, or sports, you show them how to cook, get them lessons, and go to the ball park. If you want your children to have marriages where two people love well, communicate appropriately and grow into a deeply committed union, it is best if they witness that. If you want your children to watch their language, drink in moderation, work hard, and be honest, they will have an easier time if you do those things too. Why? Because you are the parents. If children were meant to live independently at 7 years of age, we wouldn’t have to worry so much about how we conduct ourselves, but that is not the case. Actually it isn’t the 7 years olds that I see very much of in counseling. Most parents still feel empowered to be a voice in their 3rd graders life.
When parenting, we do better when we realize that we are in this for life. The goal is not just to keep them alive until we push them out the door to go to college or get a job. We want to live our lives and parent in a manner that creates a reciprocal care, love and respect. Our goal is not to eventually be our children’s friends. Parents are always parents, but that role changes as our children’s needs change and our needs change. Quite honestly, some of the most wounded adults that I see in counseling are those who felt abandoned by parents who refused to be committed role models for life.
I have lost both my parents. My mother battled cancer for 10 years and I was 36 when she passed. I lost my father when I was 47 years old. While the roles they had in my life differed over the years, they both parented until their last breath. That parenting throughout my life was worked out through verbal affirmation, confrontation, and lots of unconditional love. It involved guiding, challenging, encouraging and at times, saving the day when life was too much. While they were not perfect, they were involved, always involved. And come to think of it, so were their friends. They had a circle of devoted friends, a few of which are still involved in my life and the life of my family.
Parenting today is of course, different than my parent’s generation. But as we adjust to the changes in our culture, our parenting still has to call our children to be better than the last generation and we cannot do that if we do not use the voice that we have earned by living longer and hopefully knowing more. I serve families whose communication is almost 
completely broken and whose degree of involvement with one another is often dictated by those most unqualified (the children). I serve a number of parents who are desperate for relationship with their children but do not know why their children reject their efforts at relationship. Could it be because family dynamic in this generation is often dictated by children, who have not experienced life, are not cognitively or emotionally capable of determining the dynamic of the family? Don’t be afraid, people who are the oldest and most qualified in the room, to actively lead, inspire and cultivate humans that desperately need you to set the barre. You do not have to be perfect, but you have to, in the words of Winston Churchill, “never, never, never give up.”
I am in a transition period as I send my recent high school graduates off to college. Obviously, I will not be checking the content on their phones any more but I will be asking them detailed questions about their life, not because I am trying to control their activities but because I want to be available if they encounter a situation that I may know something about. I have other adult friends who join me in developing a relationship with my children so they too can be an available, mature voice (Thank you to those generous people…you know who you are!). Why is this important? Because college is not easier than third grade. While the voices of their peers are very important, I sure don’t want the only voices they hear to be other people who are developmentally in the most difficult time of their life. (Did you know that because of how our brains develop, your fifth grader makes wiser choices than your college freshman? Give the fifth grader the phone and teach them how to use it!) Allow your children to “grow up” but be a constant guide and life companion. I am going to keep talking because while I may be only a few steps ahead and I may not have all the answers, I am clearly further down the path.
Sonia