I have a client who is encouraging me to write more. Because of all the HIPAA-ish laws surrounding counselors and clients, I have to be VERY careful not to divulge any specific information about this person, but let’s just say it is a counselor-client relationship that works really well because my specialties line up with her life/journey work. Recently she sent me a list of “Sonia-isms” that she has found helpful and I now have a topic list for my blog that should last me through the end of summer, at the very least.
So here it is, the first “Sonia-ism” that meant something to someone I work with…
If someone tells you that they don’t love you, you need to believe them.
Nobody likes rejection. Whether the rejection comes overtly or subtly, the pain that comes with being told or shown that you are not valued can hit hard. I am often sitting with clients as they sift through the dynamics of a relationship-gone-bad and when we uncover that their love is unrequited and they are not valued in the relationship being discussed, it is pain-fulllllll. And that is when boundaries of the heart must be set.
The hard thing about setting boundaries is that after a visit to the counselor, there is pumped-up adrenaline for confronting all the people in your life who are overstepping boundaries with you. You equip yourself with words and phrases, to tell them that for you to be happy in the relationship, some of your expectations must be met as well. When playing this scenario out in your mind, or in front of your bathroom mirror, your friend, boss or relative always responds with, “Oh my gosh! I had no idea you felt so used and abandoned by me! I will do anything I can to repair this relationship!” Sadly, this is not usually what happens. It sometimes happens though, so don’t stop trying!
Oftentimes, you might find yourself sitting across the table from someone who has NO interest in changing anything about their interactions with you. In fact, they may feel burdened by the relationship and see YOU as the crazy one! When you take that step to be vulnerable and take the risk to ask for what you feel is necessary for the relationship to continue, and you get a blank stare or an empty promise, and it turns out that the real answer is, “Ummm. Nope, I think you are overreacting….or I prefer that you do all the heavy-lifting in our relationship”, that can hurt like a mama….yep, that can STING!
But I am going to encourage YOU in the same way that I encourage my clients! REJECTION IS GOOD INFORMATION! Before that gut-wrenching conversation, the reason you hung on to that hanging-by-a-thread relationship was that you did not know for sure what the other person thought! You had guessed and hoped for the best! Once you KNOW that you are not a priority for
that person, you can release them, guilt-free, and not be a puppet to their manipulation any longer! Take the time you need to grieve the loss of love, the loss of time, the loss of hope for something beautiful and scurry along to relationships that are reciprocal and life-giving.
Now the disclaimer here is this: Spouses and family members may not be easy to release, and there are some steps that are required if you want to feel good about emotionally or physically deserting any of these folks. But ignoring rejection often prolongs deep seeded hurt and promotes abusive relationships. Don’t be that person who lives with regret because you don’t want to accept that someone doesn’t love you the way you love them. Your love is valuable and precious, and in healthy relationships, your love is appreciated and returned. It saddens me to hear, “I should have known” or “The signs were there, I just didn’t pay attention,” when I am coaching someone in their efforts to begin their life again. Listen to the words of the person across the table.
Let the truth set you free….
Love,
Sonia