Let’s be honest. By the time the broken marriage gets to my couch, it is not looking good. Most people use counseling as an opportunity to “do life in reverse”; to go backward and fix what has become unbearable. While it is always a good idea to give counseling a shot, timing can be everything, when you are trying to save any relationship. The earlier you seek help in the restoration of a bad relationship, the better.
Can you let the good back in?
When I am first meeting with people in a struggle, it is important to know where they are in the relationship journey. Are they early in the conflict and willing to do anything to save their investment or have they created a vivid scenario in their mind that involves moving out and starting over with someone else? It is also important to get a pulse on their ability to “reset” to an attitude that is open to healing, and an attitude willing to apologize and accept an apology. The two people in the relationship have to be willing to let the good back in.
Something to ask yourself when you are in a conflict with another person is, “If they say they are sorry and put effort into changing behaviors, will I be open to meeting them halfway?” Sometimes the answer to this question is a resounding YES! But oftentimes, the hurt runs too deep or the conflict has gone on too long and the emotional energy is just not there. It is important to guard against getting to this point, with relationships that are meaningful to you.
Both people have to agree to work!
Another important step in understanding the course of the relationship struggle you are in is getting a full understanding if your commitment to change and restoration is being matched by the person with whom you are in conflict. My heart breaks for the spouse who has set up an appointment for counseling, in an effort to heal the relationship, only to hear their significant other refuses to accept their efforts for change. It takes two people to have a relational conflict and it takes two people to heal a relational conflict. Even in situations where there has been an overt infraction, such as an affair, there has to be a commitment from both people to make efforts to meet the needs of the other person. Failure to get this buy-in usually means the healing will not occur.
Are you in a relationship that is heading in the wrong direction? Are cycles that are draining your emotional energy beginning, or well underway? The time to address those cycles is now!
As always, let me know if I can help.
With love,
Sonia