Almost a year ago, I was at the finish line for a part-time job at a local church. The job description involved counseling and since I am a trained psychotherapist and the church uses a Biblical Counseling model, the final interview with the lead pastor involved some detailed questions about my theological stance and how I would come to terms with the theoretical differences between my training and the Biblical Counseling model. I consider myself fairly confident in an interview setting and quite honestly, I have never not been offered a job that I was invited to interview for…until this year. (I know that was a double negative…but so is this topic…)
If I had it to do over again, I would have walked out…….
However, since I am pretty good at “the body language read”, I can identify the moment where almost in slow motion, I saw the change in his stance, the shift in his facial affect and the slight turn away from me, that indicated we were no longer on the same page. The question posed was, “What would you advise a couple struggling in their marriage where there had been abuse?” I did not hesitate with my response, “God hates divorce but God also hates bad marriages. If someone is in a marriage where there is physical or emotional abuse, the couple needs to separate until it is determined that the danger is gone. Only then can they pursue reconciliation.” I don’t regret my answer. What I regret is that I tried to save the interview. I should have stood up and walked out right then. I later received a curt note, from the secretary, that my theoretical stance was not in line with the church’s. No duh.
Let’s make one thing clear. I am a therapist. I always want people to stay together. It is bad business for me if everyone ends up divorced. But using the biblical idea of divorce being a sin, to keep someone in prison, at risk of severe emotional or physical harm or even death, is not what God intended. That is not just opinion. God did not intend for people to get pummeled by their spouse and take the abuse in His name.
Spiritual abuse comes in so many forms
Spiritual abuse comes in many forms. It is the youth pastor who over steps his role and pursues a young woman he is supposed to be pastoring. It is the priest who molests an alter boy. It is the elder who encourages a parishioner to not assert boundaries when another parishioner is gossiping about them, because the church must be unified. It is people of faith making other people of faith believe that adversity in their life is punishment from God. It is a parishioner being asked to leave a congregation because they call out something unethical and it disrupts a building campaign. It is faith-based people ignoring the hidden sins of pornography, child abuse, infidelity and addiction but calling out other sins that make them uncomfortable.
And if I may be so bold, it is faith-based people trying to make other faith-based people, feel as if their belief system is not going to be taken seriously if they choose a particular candidate in the 2016 presidential election. If your Facebook wall is filled with the same shaming articles that mine is, you might be wondering if your place in heaven is at serious risk. According to friends on both sides of the aisle, it appears as if there is a more God-like choice here. I have to say, that must be somewhat offensive to the God I serve. If there is something I am pretty sure about, it is that the King of the Universe is not aligned with either one so why, I ask, am I being made to feel like God might think less of me if I don’t choose one or the other? Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am voting for and why, but I refuse to believe that my vote makes me a bad or good Christian when there is no one with a belief system similar to mine in ANY way, running for office.
Spiritual abuse is particularly damaging because even those who do not align with a particular faith, often seek peace through a relationship with God. Using God’s name in an effort to coerce, shame, or emotionally imprison another person, minimizes that person’s personal relationship with God and takes away their power. The result is never good. When people are seeking therapy and I see “spiritual health” on the intake form, I take it very seriously. The wounds that come, in the context of church, or from a person who is respected for their spiritual role, can run deep. If you are in a situation where spiritual abuse is occurring and your gut is telling you that something is terribly wrong, you might want to pay attention to that.
Psalm 145:17 — The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works.
Sonia
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