You did me wrong song: Boundaries after forgiveness

As I walk beside people in the counseling setting, I have found that forgiveness “in the moment” is difficult for most of us. It is hard to look the other way when someone has made us hurt, or move on from a toxic situation where we keep getting burned. There is a struggle between wanting to get over a situation and wanting to give it every available inch of your mind space, 24 hours a day until you feel good and ready to release it. Sometimes that inner dialogue is hard to turn off when you are feeling pooped on.

It is important to understand that forgiveness can walk right alongside the execution of good boundaries, allowing people to forgive almost immediately. It is possible to feel confident to move on from blows that are bound to come, if you live in this world where miscommunication, unfortunate life circumstances and dishonesty in relationships can bring painful interactions. I have found that it is possible to forgive, even forget (although not at the risk of losing the wisdom that comes from remembering what you have learned). No bill-paying, full-fledged adult has to put themself in a position to be clobbered by the same person or situation if they choose not to! Forgiving and walking away is an option!

In life, there are situations that occur when people you think have your back, just don’t. Depending on how much you invested in the relationship, the pain of betrayal can feel like a big ol’ kick in the stomach. I feel like I have had this experience in life plenty…enough to know that the pain is real. But I also know that it does not have to be debilitating. To be clear, I can look back and remember times where I was so debilitated by people wronging me that I experienced situational depression…bad enough to sit and stare at a wall for days on end. But not today…not today. Forgiving and walking away is an option…did I already say that?

Forgiveness is not saying that what happened is okay. Forgiveness is the acknowledgement that we all screw up at times and grace is an important gesture if we are all to live, work and grow side by side in the journey of life. But any person with good boundaries has a responsibility to self protect after the extension of grace and in some situations that means it is best not to interact for a time or for forever.

When forgiveness and boundaries work hand in hand, a person who is trying to spend less time lamenting and more time living life, can forgive whole heartedly, but also realize that there are times when people and situations are not meant to be. Sometimes we can forgive from across the room, or across the city or across an imaginary world from the person who betrayed us. Sometimes the best way to keep the situation from taking over our mind space is to literally move on with life by acknowledging that hurting people hurt others, and you can choose to not be the human punching bag for the family member, friend or co-worker who makes you their target. Removing yourself prevents the toxicity from taking over your life….it gives you freedom to be the positive-you that you want to be.

When I counsel people, I liken this to standing on a train track when there is an oncoming train. The first time it hits you, you might blame the train. Maybe the conductor didn’t see you on the track or tried to put on the brakes but not in time.  But if you stand in the same spot and get hit again, the responsibility might lie on you to get off the tracks and get out of the train’s way. People who get hit over and over by the same oncoming train might need to get away from the train. Yelling and screaming at the train, thinking they will for sure stop THIS time is not healthy for anyone. Remember:  Forgiving and walking away is an option. (The teacher in me knows that if you read this 3 times, you might remember it for the test. The bold print should help with that too!)

Being able to forgive and move on is freeing. It enables even the most wounded of people to remain positive and life-giving in a world that can be exhausting. Forgiving others allows you to get your sleep back and enables you to focus on the people and situations in your life that motivate and encourage you. If you have a situation in your life that is taking up your mind space and keeping you from being all you were made to be, ask yourself if it might be time to get off the train tracks…

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

Empaths: Boundaries are always going to be an issue for you

I will never forget my first reading of Drs. Cloud and Townsend’s book Boundaries. I was in my early thirties and had never understood the part I played in my boundary-less life.  The unrealistic expectation that my people-pleasing ways would bring relationship and that if I was just “nice enough”, people would respond positively, had lead to some pretty difficult disappointments. So being given permission, from a faith-based perspective, to advocate for myself was freedom I had never experienced!

I wish I could say that all it took was that one read-through to cure me of my rejection based wounds. But as anyone who has done extensive counseling for “woundedness” that stems from a fear of rejection, it is not that easy. Being a natural Empath, I struggle with over-identifying with other people and therefore lose sight of what my needs are until I am feeling really taken advantage of!….Can you identify with this?

As our greatest struggles often become our passion, I find myself counseling people who are also high on empathy and low on advocating for self. My clients need encouragement to stand strong with spouses, bosses, children, and friends. A problem that can become a hurdle is that the energy that it takes for an empath to stand up for his or herself, even once, can leave them exhausted and then they fall right back into that line of thinking where they assume others will see them, hear them and then respond with the same level of commitment. 

I realized recently that boundary work is always a work in progress for the hardcore Empath. Here are three guidelines to use when navigating relationships:

  1. In relationships meant to be reciprocal, if you do not have expectations on the table, you will feel misunderstood and eventually will get burned. Setting expectations is important no matter how secure you understand the relationship to be. Assuming that you will be valued and respected is what gets empaths in trouble! Learning phrases like, “I have been more than happy to help but going forward, I have some expectations as well” and “I enjoy working toward our shared goals but not at the cost of my own”, will alert the person not as high on the empath scale that they are close to crossing a line with you.
  2. Mirror the level of commitment you are getting in return and there is less chance of feeling used in a relationship. High-level Empaths tend to work harder when they sense the other person pulling away, leading to an even greater investment and more to be disappointed about. 
  3. All information is good information. When you learn that the other party has less of an investment in the relationship than you do, don’t let that feed your rejection-minded tendencies. It is important to embrace being your own greatest advocate!  You can choose to protect yourself rather than get punched in the gut and no one will think less of you!

As a general rule, Empaths tend to want to help and encourage. They share easily and have a Mi Casa Es Su Casa mindset. What they do not often want to admit is that they expect reciprocal actions. This is where that Su Casa mindset stuff is really important because those who are not so Empathy-leaning are surprised when they are asked for a reciprocal response that was not spelled out for them. 

Living emotionally healthy lives is a lot of hard work. Keep swimming!

Sonia

Celebrate your uniqueness by being part of a team: Step one for unity in relationship

Let me start this piece by saying that our individuality is SUPER DUPER important. Our uniqueness should ABSOLUTELY be celebrated. But, can we all consider, for just a tiny second, that  for unity to occur, there must be an undying commitment to what makes us similar, what makes us alike and what energizes our relationships? You might think that I am talking about the ongoing political scene in the good old U.S. of A., and for sure the concept applies, but the cultural worship of our individuality is not just ruining our country, it is also ruining our marriages, our families, and our workplaces, when it discounts the need for cooperation, compromise and harmony. As I work with clients in relationships and families, the balance between self love and care, and the “system” in crisis, is always a consideration.

Have boundaries but don’t shut others out.

As my clients know, I am a relentless advocate for boundaries that protect the individual. There are more than a few of us that get bloodied by the inability to stand up to people who take advantage, and a large part of my work is focused on empowering the downtrodden. Additionally, I believe we are each God’s creation, made in His image, to live a life that glorifies our creator. That said, we are also to use our uniqueness to bring symmetry, balance and creativity to the systems we are a part of: our marriages, our friendships, our workplaces, our country, our world.

In every positive relationship, there is give and take. There are times when consensus comes naturally and times when compromises are made. There are moments that grace is extended and instances where expectations are non-negotiable. Crisis occurs when the flow, the give and take, stays on one side too long. Crisis occurs when those with extreme positions, dig in and refuse to accommodate the ideas, thought processes or methods that others bring to the table. We have each had a relationship or a job that has simply become unbearable because the concessions that had to be made to make it work, outweighed the benefit of the situation.

Oftentimes, when working with couples or families, our first session focuses on the conflict that brings them to counseling and I hear an extensive list of arguments that have occurred, the hurts that have been experienced and the ultimatums of people ready to give up. There is often a feeling of release when at least, the issues are all out on the table. And while some couples and families have individuals who are causing most of the conflict, in the majority of cases, by the time the conflict lands in my office, there are systems, habits and cycles in place that everyone is participating in, whether they realize it or not.

Crisis in relationships is never resolved if any of the involved individuals refuse to relinquish something or demand that the other individuals give up all that is sacred to them.

Sonia Nelson - Moriah Ventures

When negotiating relationship, it is important to know what your goals are. For example, while a couple may not agree on how to parent, they may have the same goal of academic success for their child. A couple may not agree on how to spend their money but they may agree that economic stability is important for their relationship. When commonalities become the focus, often what each person does to achieve the goal can be tailored to their personality but the goal holds the couple or family together. It is important to remember that crisis in relationships is never resolved if any of the involved individuals refuse to relinquish anything or demand that the other individuals give up all that is sacred to them.

An “aha” moment that I often share with couples who come for counseling is a time that as a young married couple, Mike and I were at odds over something and Mike interrupted me “mid-rant” to remind me that he loved me and he was not the enemy. In a moment, I was brought to a place where I became reasonable because the focus was not on getting my way, but reaching a common goal. (Just to be clear, I am not always the crazy in our relationship, but I try to own up occasionally…)

Are there systems that you are a part of that could benefit from a change in focus from “whose turn is it to be “right”, to how can we get behind something that we agree on?

As always, let me know if I can help.

Sonia

Personal Boundaries: They Are Still My Boobs

BoundariesSo if I walk into your house, take off my shirt and put on a robe that opens to the front, please understand that repetitive actions turn into habits. A breast cancer diagnosis, even one with as much hope as my own, changes life in an instant. I now have my daily appointment with either a surgeon, oncologist, geneticist, radiologist or my plastic (that is the hip term for plastic surgeon, for those who are not part of the “Cancer Club”). They each require, of course, that we talk about and take a peek at, and either touch or stick a needle into the very part of my body I was taught from a young age to cover. Add my supportive and protective husband to the mix, looking on as all this occurs…it could really be a Saturday Night Live skit, if it wasn’t such a serious situation. Because I am a psychotherapist, I cannot help but debrief each of these sessions, with thoughts about the dynamic that occurs, with each doctor and their staff. I cannot help but notice how human interaction can be powerfully motivating and it can also be debilitating.

I am grateful that this diagnosis came at a time in my life where I have some developed personal boundaries. I went through infertility treatment in my twenties and still look back at that time and regret my lack of self-advocation. I have to remind myself that there are reasons we become human doormats, at the times in life that we really need to act as warriors. When faced with difficult challenges, the actions necessary to receive help from others, often requires us to become uncomfortably humble as we have to share our intimate issues, with those who can help. Being an advocate for oneself, when you are in a compromised position, can be hard, whether it is an illness, a severed relationship, a traumatic event or a financial hardship. There is a feeling of helplessness that comes with life challenges that often makes people feel unworthy or even embarrassed. That innermost need to feel taken care of, can take over and we can cling to the hope that someone might see our desperation and respond to it. We hope that we won’t have to muster up more courage when we already feel so depleted. It does not matter if the situation was brought on by poor decision-making or just a “that’s life” blow. It becomes difficult to believe in our own worthiness or that our time and effort to seek better options will ultimately change anything.

Coming from an occupation that rests on compassion and empathy, it is something that I relate to and appreciate on the receiving end. In the past two weeks, I have met some of the most compassionate, empathetic people who use their intelligence and skill to offer hope and healing to those facing a deadly disease. For example, I can honestly say that even though I never want to go back to the Sally Jobe Breast Imaging Center in Golden, Colorado, where I have now had multiple mammograms, ultrasounds, MRI and biopsies, the doctors, nurses and technicians there will forever hold a place in my heart. They know about my diagnosis but they also know my family and I know a bit about theirs. We have shared funny stories and they don’t have to ask anymore which juice I prefer after procedures. At no time did anyone end an appointment before I felt heard and had my questions answered. I am one of many people they see each day but they acted as if they have waited all day, just for me. When I left after yet another biopsy yesterday, I received multiple hugs and well wishes. They gave me hope.

I have also met just a couple of individuals that were able to use their position of having something I need, to make me feel as alone and emotionally unsafe as I have ever felt in my life. My head reminds me that hurting people hurt people and that insecure people are often the ones who behave arrogantly. But that does not do much for me when I have to deal with their behaviors that feel just icky on the receiving end. Can I just say how much I hate it that I come up with the most amazing retorts, as I am driving away, instead of in the moment, where I continue to practice the stunned, deer in the headlights look, because I find it so hard to believe that people can care so little about anyone but themselves? I am determined to use these experiences, both the good and the bad, as a better-than-any-classroom-lecture, in my practice.

How individuals treat others effects not only the dynamic between the two interacting individuals but also the people in the web of the dynamic. It is the reason that children who observe domestic abuse often go on to abuse. Being an onlooker to poor behavior or watching someone be treated poorly and not feeling empowered to do something about it, can be harmful too. I remember in elementary school being forever changed when I observed a teacher who actually really liked me, humiliate another child in my class. I remember feeling the tension of wanting to support the other child but not lose my standing with the teacher. Most likely I was not alone in my feelings that day and every child learned from that experience. Some learned to bully the weaker member of the team, some learned that you gain control momentarily when you humiliate another, and some learned that mean people are not good motivators and leaders. When I became a teacher, I vowed to never be like than man. He did not offer hope.

People experience tensions like this every day as we journey along in life: in our jobs, our social circles, our families. Sometimes the interactions that give or take hope away are subtle and we aren’t even aware they are happening until the hope is apparent, or lost. One narcissistic, insecure, hurting person can ruin a work environment, a social gathering, a family, if they are allowed. However, while it is often self-soothing to point to another person as the reason for the dysfunction, everyone must take responsibility for the part they play in the dynamic. While it may feel easier at times, to not advocate for ourselves or for another person, when we are silent we allow the abuse. When we allow such action, over and over, it becomes less obviously a problem and eventually a norm. Repetitive actions create habits.

What habits do you see at work in your daily walk of life that you might have more power than you think to change? What norms are you allowing to happen through your own passivity or because you are hoping someone else will miraculously see the need and respond? Do you need to be reminded that setting personal boundaries is good for both you and the other people in your life? In many life situations, we do not have to allow people like my fifth grade teacher to determine the course we take. Learning how to appropriately and respectfully set personal boundaries is empowering. By setting boundaries, you protect yourself and you demand the best from others, which in turn makes them better people as well. Doing this over and over again….yes, you know…say it with me…CREATES HABITS and thus, new norms and healthier, happier, interactions with friends, co-workers and family members and all the other people you encounter.

Sixteen years ago I would have told my today self that a couple bad experiences in a week of good, was good enough. I would have said that I have to put up with a disrespectful doctor because he comes highly recommended and is locally considered the best at what he does. I would have had a good cry and then sucked it up. Today, I believe that I do not have to support bad behavior. I can advocate for myself, ask more questions, do what it takes to open communication. And if that fails, as it did, I can walk away. I can decide that I choose to put my body, my life, my emotions, in the care of someone else who offers me hope rather than discouragement. It was obvious by the way that the staff in the office of which I refer operated, they were used to the norm and were a little shocked that we didn’t stick around for the abuse. And I won’t lie, I cried the whole way home. But then I realized that because I had tried to communicate well, I had done my part. No regrets. And because I was willing to walk away, the situation will not repeat itself over and over again. My team of doctors won’t be mostly fantastic, it will be completely fantastic. Why? Because life is super hard and I need all the hope I can get.

Who are you getting your hope from? Who are you giving hope to? What are you doing to learn how to communicate in a way that lets others know that you are worthy? It is something to think about.

Moriah Ventures, LLC