Tag: counseling

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Fear: Informant or Guiding Light

My clients all know that I am a big fan of emotions. Popular culture tries to tell us that emotions like happiness, peace and excitement are good emotions and feelings like sadness, anger and apathy are the bad ones. I believe that because the Lord gave us emotions, all emotions are good emotions. They are only bad when you lose control of them or they take over your life.

Fear is one of those emotions that we tend to put in the bad category because it can be mean to us when it runs wild. Fear run amuck can lead to depression, anxiety and poor decision-making. But fear itself is not bad at all when used appropriately! It can keep us out of dark alleys, creepy rest stop bathrooms and bad relationships. Fear can remind us of what happened the last time we did something silly and can warn us when people are trying to hurt us.

When fear is used effectively, it informs us of the dangers in life. It reminds us of past mistakes and slows us down if we are moving too fast. This is fear acting as wisdom. This is the kind of fear that we want to be grateful for. If you are afraid to commit to the job, or relationship, or credit card application that is just like the last job, boyfriend or payment plan that burned you, you might want to respect that fear and take a little time to do some more investigating before you leap into a situation that could result in some self sabotage.

But if that fear is the gripping kind that causes you to act irrationally and keeps you from moving forward in life because it tells you that every career move, possible relationship or financial commitment might ruin your life forever, you are giving it too much control. Fear should never be used as a guiding light because quite honestly, decisions made out of fear are rarely the best. Fear used as a guiding light can keep us from standing up for ourselves and can lead to accepting less than we need or want. Fear used as a guiding light restricts our strengths, limits our rational thought and ultimately steals our ability to thrive.

The Bible has 365 references, one for every day of the year, that remind us to keep our fear in check. One of my favorites, Isaiah 41:10 says, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Ask yourself: Is fear your informant or are you allowing it to be a guiding light?

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Processing: Is it never ending?

I find it kind of funny when counselor terms start to be used in pop culture. Of course, the definition changes as people throw around terms like bi-polar, narcissist, OCD…and unfortunately sometimes people who know a little bit about these diagnosis don’t always get it all the way right…but it is still a step in the right direction of the general public realizing that sometimes people have a reason behind their confusing actions. A term that I am hearing more and more people use is PROCESSING. In a general sense, when used in a social context, it often means that you aren’t ready to respond to a comment or situation because you are still sorting it all out and haven’t reached a conclusion. It is also a good way to avoid a conversation that has the chance of getting heated when you don’t have the energy for that. For example, “I am processing all the changes that are going on in the world right now.” This open-ended processing could go on forever and that isn’t really how processing is used when you are sitting on the therapy couch.

Processing, in a counselor setting, is a whole bunch more than that. Healthy processing leads to improved emotional health and hopefully some personal empowerment. I thought it might be helpful to share some things I look for when I am processing with my clients.

As you may have guessed, a prospective client never calls me to tell me how great everything in their life is going. There is always a life situation that seems overwhelming, confusing, traumatizing or paralyzing. They often have thoughts in their head, feelings in their heart, pain in their body and maybe even some money invested in a lawyer…and together we need to find a way to get all of those things to have less of a negative effect on their daily walk. I like to process following a multi-step journey: thinking, feeling, articulating, advocating and finally, empowerment/life change.

THINKING: Each of us has a lifetime of family life, education, peer groups, experiences, jobs, church life, and sometimes some trauma that leads us to our opinions of how to view our current situation. As we face a new energy-draining situation, our mind calls on past knowledge and experience to give us an opinion of how to go forward. Sometimes this opinion is spot on and other times, it is informed by something traumatic (triggers), leading us to some foggy thinking rather than clear and rational thought. Talking with a therapist about your history lets them know what life experiences in your past are informing how you respond to the situation in front of you.

FEELING: When faced with a tough moment in life, our emotions can sometimes get the best of us. In those moments of feeling abandoned, hurt, betrayed, or scorned, our response might look like anger instead of the real emotion. Sometimes there is a tendency to shut down, cry or have an anxiety attack instead of expressing the actual emotions being experienced. Being able to properly identity what emotion you are experiencing helps you to respond to a situation properly rather than with an emotion-response that fuels the disfunction in front of you.

ARTICULATING: Most people have a tendency to either bottle up emotions or let them run wild. This leads to arguments and interactions that become shut down or turns the conversation from an ant to a mole hill. Articulating at the right time, with carefully chosen words that accurately express how you feel and what you hope to see happen, leads to healthy interactions with people you love or at least have to live or work with on a regular basis. Having a safe space to write your script is important when navigating tough situations.

ADVOCATING: Once we have processed a situation or dynamic that required some unpacking, it is important to use that new understanding to advocate for yourself and others in a healthy manner. When you have processed well, you should have an understanding of why you were affected a particular way, an ability to express how you feel about the situation and words to describe how you would like to go forward with this new knowledge and clarity. You should know better how to explain yourself and what needs are being met or need attention.

LIFE CHANGE: Often at the summation of counseling, I will ask a client, “How will you know that the issue we have been processing is leading to life change?” It is important to have a goal for your processing that involves empowerment and improved relationships. People who utilize processing skills well, have better communication and conflict outcomes that indicate good boundaries, met goals and resolved conflict.

It is always a good self check to ask yourself if all your processing is leading to more drama or to a feeling of confidence with forward life movement. If there is a situation in your life that needs some working through, find a quiet space, a trusted friend or….let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Divorce: You aren’t married anymore

If you had told me, when I was getting my degree to be a mental health therapist, how many people I would walk with through divorce, I would have been shocked. Therapists go into the work we do to heal relationships and promote connection, not division. But oftentimes, the decision to end a marriage is an empowered one, when someone has been emotionally, verbally or physically abused. It can also be a decision made by one partner, leaving the other with little choice but to comply. Whether the divorce is somewhat amicable or whether it is one full of hostility, there is a dynamic that often occurs when old marital habits linger well past the moment the divorce is final. This is not healthy for the two people getting the divorce and it can be very confusing for the extended family and friends that get caught up in the drama.

Divorces often occur when one or both spouses have reached the end of their tolerance for whatever issues have come between them. I have heard them all: infidelity, non-existent sex life, verbal or physical abuse, a slow growing-apart over time, terrible communication, conflict over parenting roles….what else??? So many reasons! But even when one or both spouses believe they can’t live another day with that person they sleep next to every night, they often have not thought out what the day to day will look like when they are no longer under the same roof.

In marriage, there are roles we take on because we are in a partnership. We do things like grocery shop, mow the lawn, change the lightbulbs, take the kids to the doctor’s office, do the taxes, write the Christmas cards, not just because we love doing those tasks but because we are a member of a team. There are also things we sacrifice in order to promote long term marriage or family goals. We commit to helping the system run because we have an expectation that at the end of our life, we will have someone to hold our hand and help us navigate the changing seasons, using the trust, love and money we have built together. No one works that hard thinking they are going to hear the words, “I want a divorce.”

Strangely, there are a lot of folks out there that think they can ask for a divorce and also still have some of the benefits of being married to the person they have scorned. There is an assumption that if mom always took the kids to the dentist, she will continue to do so. Or if dad always did the bills and taxes, he will still look out for the interest of the family when it comes to the finances. Nope. When there is a divorce, it is sometimes hard to accept that those roles will change and new normals need to be fashioned so that everyone in the family can move forward. In other words, if you ask someone for a divorce, you no longer have the right to ask them to put you first. They do not have to work around your work schedule, change their plans to accommodate yours, be the only one who is responsible for caring for the house…or caring for the kids… When you reject someone by leaving them, do not expect them to immediately respond to your texts or jump when you need them. Those are responses that you get from a spouse. If you want to earn trust over time to have some of those niceties, you need to do some hard relationship building work…the hard work you didn’t do when you were married. 

There is a cultural badge of honor given to people that can be friends after a divorce but if you think about it, if you can be good friends, what kept you from fighting for your marriage? Is there any chance that you are being somewhat abused or manipulated in the “friendship” as well? I often coach clients to change the face of their ex to someone who is only an acquaintance when they are trying to unwind their long time habits. Would you watch the acquaintance’s cat when they went out of town? Would you answer their midnight call? If the answer is no, you might need some support as you establish new boundaries with someone who is no longer your ride or die.

Divorce is painful. It is messy. It can leave some scars. But be careful not to implement a new system that is just as painful as the system you are trying to end. As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,
Sonia

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Resolutions: Go big or go home!

 

Did you start this year thinking that you didn’t want to waste your time with resolutions this year? It is a week into February and many of us still can’t believe it is 2022.

At the beginning of each year, I encourage my active clients to start each year with some goals for the upcoming season in their life. Most like the exercise and we spend some of first sessions of the new year dreaming of what steps they should focus on as they strive to better their life in some way. This year is no different.

It can be difficult to dream big when you are in the middle of a crisis. By definition, everyone who is a client of mine is either in a crisis, a transition or in general need of accountability or support so it isn’t a surprise that they would want to do a hope building activity. But our world is in limbo right now as we wait to see what governments are going to decide about civil unrest, spread of disease and truths about how we live day to day. That makes all of us in need of accountability to stay on a good path. I recently read an article that discussed the ‘mass formation of psychosis” that is presenting because of the drama surrounding Covid-19. And I am definitely seeing Covid Fatigue, vaccine injury and an increase in depression and anxiety in many of my clients…so what should we do about that?

Now is the time to keep dreaming, hoping and working toward a better life. 

If you ever have wondered what you would have been like during a major war time in history or during a time where there was government crack down or civil unrest, you don’t have to wonder any more. We are in some very difficult times and the time in NOW to figure out who you are going to be. If and when we get out of this period, are you going to be able to look back and recount the ways you encouraged good things to occur in your life and the life of others? Or are you crossing your fingers in hopes that you just come out less scathed than everyone else?  As a former history teacher, I can confidently say that those who try to ride out the difficult times may survive but the people who don’t let circumstances control their destiny are the ones who emerge better and stronger than ever before. 

Have you already survived Covid-19? Have you had to reinvent yourself in the job market because of restrictions? Did you navigate home schooling, working from home and maybe having to up your game in the kitchen because you couldn’t eat out as much? Well congratulations! Give yourself some well deserved appreciation and now set your sights higher. Hope is a most powerful tool so don’t be afraid to use it to become the hero of your own life.

Trust me. I know what it is like to feel discouraged, hopeless and like everything you are trying isn’t working the way it should. You all know my story so you know that I have more than my share of those days. But at the start of each day, we each have a chance to use the circumstances that we have been given, to run the race with our whole heart, soul and strength. I encourage you to dream bigger this year than ever before.

Moved to Texas and cleared all our medical debt!

Sit down by yourself, with your spouse, with your kids or a good friend and verbalize some dreams for 2022. Is it a move to a place you have always wanted to live? Is it finally getting out of debt? (I recently cleared a whole lot of medical debt and let me tell you…that feels like an accomplishment!) Is it repairing a relationship with a wayward child or old friend? What is pulling on your heart and soul but you are afraid to commit to, because the world is a bit upside down? 

I have some goals for this year and some of them seem impossible to me with the current state of affairs but that challenge might be what keeps me from listening to the lies that are being told out there. Trying times are actually the times where long told stories are born and legacies are made. Join me! Let’s not miss out on this amazing opportunity to face our fears, rely on the God who made us and make 2022 the best year of our life. 

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love, 

Sonia

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Ministry and Life Update: Fall 2021

Most people who follow my blog also follow me on Facebook, so you know that I have spent the last few months running around with my head cut off. I recently realized that I had not done a ministry update in quite some time so here it is! Fashionably late.

You would think that being in the mortgage business, we would be able to anticipate and avoid any drama around a move, but it turns out we got to experience all the things: house sold, fell out of escrow, sold again, tried to find small renovated house but ended up with big house needing lots of work, because the market was crazier in Texas than in Colorado, movers not showing up as planned and then overcharging us to fix their mistake, last minute hiccups with home inspection for new house…but PRAISE THE LORD, here I am sitting in my home office finally feeling a bit settled, if one can feel settled as our world spins like a whirling dervish.

The day that our home closed, I drove to Beaver Creek, Colorado to serve at the Thrive retreat for global workers home on furlough. What a joy to be able to meet in person and see how God works to meet the needs of those serving Him! My husband is a saint for meeting the moving truck and dealing with the initial move in without me, before flying back to Colorado to drive our car down to Waco together. At that retreat, 20 volunteers and attendees tested positive for Covid but fortunately everyone got to build their immunity, without any reporting that they needed more than some time at home recovering. However, the whole event has caused Thrive to reconsider the upcoming retreats overseas, which changes my game plan for the next year.

It would seem like I would be sitting around waiting for an opportunity to go overseas, but my work has been relocated for the time being, to the seat I am sitting in right now. Thanks to technology, I am able to continue counseling with women who need ongoing support. I continue to run my private practice online, using a specialized secure application, and I intentionally reserve spots in my schedule for women serving in ministry around the world.

I share this with you, my supporters, because I want you to know that your financial support is enabling me to continue this important work. I receive a small monthly stipend from the donations sent to my ministry through Paraclete Ministries, so that I can offer highly discounted counseling to women who are unable to afford ongoing treatment. I have become quite good at managing communication with various time zones and offer sessions at all times of the day and evening when necessary. Under my current stipend, I can offer a few women a weekly session each month but I hope to expand this while we wait for borders to open up. Click here if you would like to participate in making counseling available to women serving globally…and never hesitate to connect me to someone you know that may need this service. 

As I settle into Waco, I have already had the opportunity to get acquainted with amazing people doing local and overseas work and can’t wait to see what evolves out of these initial conversations. My inclination is to get excited and jump in wherever there is a need but I am feeling a sense that I need to wait for just the right fit, where I can use my gifts and time most effectively. Please pray with me, as more than ever, I want to use my time here on earth to God’s glory.

On a very personal note, I have had some interesting moments in the last few months as I continue with what will be lifelong cancer treatment. As is common with those battling chronic cancer, my current protocol has become less effective over time and while my tumor markers are still lower than they were even a year ago, we are starting to see my body resist my current treatment. We will be making some big decisions next month and I covet your prayers. I often truthfully joke that I not afraid of dying but I am afraid of suffering and currently my suffering is confined to only my treatment days. I honestly feel fantastic the rest of the time. So a change of treatment is a big decision.

In closing, I will share the fun part of our new life in Texas! I get to see my precious girls all the time and I might never be cold again! Mike says he traded shoveling snow for skimming leaves out of our pool. We are currently drinking the Baylor Kool-Aid every chance we get…football, theater, taking walks on the campus. Last week we joined Antioch Church, where we have been attending online for 5 years. We still need to put a few more pictures on the walls but it is all coming along and we are excited that family and friends have already booked some weekends in our guest room during the upcoming months.

Thank you, dear friends and supporters, for all you do. Y’all will never know how much I appreciate you! (Working on my Texas speak!)

With love,

Sonia

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Shaming: A Form of Cultural Manipulation?

Warning: I am on day 6 of a round of chemo so my inhibitions are down. You can only imagine what this one week on/one week off protocol  is like for the people I live with. But I got some things that my boundary seeking self just can’t let go…

There is a very popular post going around on Social Media that basically says that because you don’t know what is in a McDonald’s hamburger or what is in your deodorant or what was in the vaccines you had as a child, you should blindly accept what is being passed out as the savior of the world: the Rona Vaccine. Honestly, it is not my opinion of the vaccine that feels insulted, it is my intelligence.

Let me publicly state that if you want to get the vaccine, I encourage you to do so. If that alleviates your fears and allows you to interact with your elderly mom or the people you work with, by all means, do what you have to do. But listen up…if you try to SHAME me into your line of thinking or act as if you have some moral pedestal custom made for you, then I have to speak out for myself and my growing list of clients who are literally being traumatized by the smugness out there. 

The fact of the matter is that we will not know for a very long time what the lasting effects of any new drug will be. There may be many good reasons to risk the long term effects for the immediate result of having life get back to normal. People’s lives are being ruined by unemployment, mental distress, lack of human contact and if a vaccine offers a return to normalcy, let’s have an open discussion that evaluates the risks and the benefit of accepting those risks. As a cancer patient, I take straight poison in hopes that  killing cancer cells will outweigh the destruction of the healthy cells happening at the same time. I am not risk adverse, but taking educated risks is healthier than uneducated, naive and I-choose-not-to-think risks. SOMEONE, ANYONE, give me an amen.

Until you have received a diagnosis that changes your life forever because you took Zantac for an ulcer or used talcum powder to freshen yourself up…or watched a child suffer from Guillain-Barre after a flu vaccine, or are living with autism in your family because your child had the reaction that only a small percentage of people have, it may be in your best interest to make a decision that is right for you and not feel that you need to condemn those who may not agree. And please don’t ask those people who trusted once, to blindly trust again because if they don’t, they are hindering others from going to a concert. 

I commented on a few of these posts and the response was basically that because I have cancer, my circumstance is different and maybe I was over-reacting to the post. Ironic that one of those who thought I was overreacting was the Biology teacher that taught me about viruses to begin with. He is the reason I know that we can’t outrun a virus…it will always catch up through mutation. I respect his decision to vaccinate because he is elderly and wants to see his grandkids…but oohhh…anyone who knows me, knows that I advocate for boundaries, freedom and personal empowerment and I hate it when people try to shut me up by suggesting I might be overreacting. Didn’t your mama tell you to never tell a woman to calm down when she is just getting started?

Wanna know something funny? The literature that comes with my chemotherapy says in bold print: DO NOT RECEIVE VACCINATIONS OF ANY KIND WHILE ON THIS TREATMENT. ALSO, REFRAIN FROM CONTACT WITH ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN RECENTLY VACCINATED. I don’t know why this warning on a box of poison makes me crack up. Don’t be near anyone who has recently been vaccinated? Think that one through as it should inform anyone who is wondering about how to protect themself, either with a vaccine or otherwise.

I am fortunate. It turns out that despite being exposed to Covid several times, the most I seem to get is what feels like a bad cold. My health limitations do not seem to be a hinderance but I can’t help but wonder if the fact that I do know what is in my food, shampoo, deodorant and cleaning products is helping me fight from a position of strength. I actually research vaccines before blindly accepting them after I watched my daughter loose the use of her legs for 3 days after a routine flu vaccine and was told we got lucky because the paralysis wasn’t permanent. Maybe this is why I choose to understand my risks and not just follow the crowd out of fear. 

Many of my clients have shared that they are exhausted by the shaming that comes with having a counter cultural thought process, and I am not just talking about vaccines. Are you living life in fear, by letting others coax you into decisions that don’t feel right for your situation or are you making your decisions from a place of confidence, after doing research that matches your life situation? Are there other situations in your life, marriage, job, education and family where you see this pattern? Fear based decisions or choices made because people have made us feel bad, are rarely our best decisions. I encourage you to advocate for yourself in your relationships, your job, and your health by knowing what risks you are taking,  and evaluating whether or not the outcome will be worth it to you.

And when you make a decision that is right for you, I will be the first to cheer you on.

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia