If you had told me, when I was getting my degree to be a mental health therapist, how many people I would walk with through divorce, I would have been shocked. Therapists go into the work we do to heal relationships and promote connection, not division. But oftentimes, the decision to end a marriage is an empowered one, when someone has been emotionally, verbally or physically abused. It can also be a decision made by one partner, leaving the other with little choice but to comply. Whether the divorce is somewhat amicable or whether it is one full of hostility, there is a dynamic that often occurs when old marital habits linger well past the moment the divorce is final. This is not healthy for the two people getting the divorce and it can be very confusing for the extended family and friends that get caught up in the drama.
Divorces often occur when one or both spouses have reached the end of their tolerance for whatever issues have come between them. I have heard them all: infidelity, non-existent sex life, verbal or physical abuse, a slow growing-apart over time, terrible communication, conflict over parenting roles….what else??? So many reasons! But even when one or both spouses believe they can’t live another day with that person they sleep next to every night, they often have not thought out what the day to day will look like when they are no longer under the same roof.
In marriage, there are roles we take on because we are in a partnership. We do things like grocery shop, mow the lawn, change the lightbulbs, take the kids to the doctor’s office, do the taxes, write the Christmas cards, not just because we love doing those tasks but because we are a member of a team. There are also things we sacrifice in order to promote long term marriage or family goals. We commit to helping the system run because we have an expectation that at the end of our life, we will have someone to hold our hand and help us navigate the changing seasons, using the trust, love and money we have built together. No one works that hard thinking they are going to hear the words, “I want a divorce.” 
Strangely, there are a lot of folks out there that think they can ask for a divorce and also still have some of the benefits of being married to the person they have scorned. There is an assumption that if mom always took the kids to the dentist, she will continue to do so. Or if dad always did the bills and taxes, he will still look out for the interest of the family when it comes to the finances. Nope. When there is a divorce, it is sometimes hard to accept that those roles will change and new normals need to be fashioned so that everyone in the family can move forward. In other words, if you ask someone for a divorce, you no longer have the right to ask them to put you first. They do not have to work around your work schedule, change their plans to accommodate yours, be the only one who is responsible for caring for the house…or caring for the kids… When you reject someone by leaving them, do not expect them to immediately respond to your texts or jump when you need them. Those are responses that you get from a spouse. If you want to earn trust over time to have some of those niceties, you need to do some hard relationship building work…the hard work you didn’t do when you were married.
There is a cultural badge of honor given to people that can be friends after a divorce but if you think about it, if you can be good friends, what kept you from fighting for your marriage? Is there any chance that you are being somewhat abused or manipulated in the “friendship” as well? I often coach clients to change the face of their ex to someone who is only an acquaintance when they are trying to unwind their long time habits. Would you watch the acquaintance’s cat when they went out of town? Would you answer their midnight call? If the answer is no, you might need some support as you establish new boundaries with someone who is no longer your ride or die.
Divorce is painful. It is messy. It can leave some scars. But be careful not to implement a new system that is just as painful as the system you are trying to end. As always, let me know if I can help.
With love,
Sonia
Being married is a partnership. It is a commitment to love your person when they are beautiful and fun, and when they are ugly and being a pain in the butt. It is waking up together, sharing conversation, whether you feel like talking or not, dreaming together but sometimes having to be okay with Plan B or C or D…. driving carpool and sitting at soccer games and dance recitals together… and at the sides of hospital beds.
Better, richer and in health are way more fun than the other options, but a spouse that comforts and battles with their person in the tough times often gets the reward of forever love. Most marriages experience something less than fabulous, where one or the other has to give up time, money and personal goals for the other. It is important to realize that when you sacrifice for your spouse, or get in the trenches with them as a fellow warrior, it is powerful for your long term marriage goals. If this kind of love is reciprocal, you can create a relationship that no life circumstance or stranger can come between. 
Much of the time, in conversations surrounding the “who-does-what”, it becomes very clear that
Of course, neither of the above scenarios should land us in counseling but you would be surprised, how if gone unchecked, numerous imbalances can lead to built up frustration between two people. I once had a family in counseling that literally talked about kitchen responsibilities in my office for a solid three months. Each person had different expectations of the part they should play and it lead to some intense conflict. Fortunately, we were able to reframe their approach to shared responsibility, not only in the kitchen, but in their interpersonal dynamic as well.
A Counseling 101 method, utilized by marriage counselors everywhere, is a “recounting”, done by each spouse, or when they met and fell in love. It is a way to start the “troubled marriage counseling journey” on a positive note, rather than with a list of grievances. So many people have truly beautiful stories about their first encounter, their whirlwind romance, the way they could not get enough of one another. Sure…every once in a while, there is a relationship that is so far gone that one or the other can’t remember feeling love for their then-boyfriend or girlfriend…but generally speaking, people have fond memories of the time they shared prior to marriage.
In my experience, a common thread that emerges in the relationship narrative is a time where someone chose to ignore a red flag in the relationship dynamic or that they had specific assumptions that were never actually discussed. When couples push away important conversations (i.e., roles within marriage, thoughts on parenting, finances, ideas on ethics) or fail to address dynamics they wish were different (i.e. time spent together or with friends, date nights, the way you verbally and physically interact, in-law dynamics) in the courtship process, they deny themselves an opportunity to really know if they are making a wise choice for a lifelong commitment.
The week before my wedding was tumultuous to say the least. The minister scheduled to marry us, a dear friend of the family, got really sick and was hospitalized and there was a military coup in Venezuela, making it impossible for many of my relatives to attend. However, as a young bride, head over heels with the most handsome boy I had ever known, I was not going to let anything come in the way of my wedding. I practically ran down that aisle into a marriage that I truly believed would be picture perfect.
But we have had them all. The last 25 years have not been picture perfect as I had hoped. We have endured trials that many marriages would not survive. We have faced infertility, numerous moves, struggles with family dynamic, unemployment, loss of fortune, and grave sickness. Had I known that sharing my life with this man would bring all this, would I have said yes?