Tag: personal growth

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Feel destroyed?: Remember the Fire Lily

I am writing this blog from a hospital room. I have had a week of feeling absolutely destroyed. Can you imagine hearing the words that after 8 years, you might be in cancer remission? I heard those words a couple weeks ago but as the days ensued, I have had side effects that have put me in fear of being fed intravenously for weeks to come.

Sometimes life brings us a break, only to slam us down with something that feels even harder than the last blow. For me, the cancer treatment has caused scarring in my intestines that has made it impossible to eat for almost two months. Two months. Everyone who knows me knows that I absolutely live to eat, so not being able to have solid foods for such a long time has been quite the humbling experience. I am jokingly calling it my “wedding weight loss plan” but it has been pretty frightening. I watched my sweet mama go through a rapid weight loss that left her looking like a Holocaust victim, so I have some trauma that recurs when I face these trials for sure.

My sweet husband read me a devotional awhile back that told the story of the Fire Lily. Fire Lillies are a beautiful flower that only regrow in the event of being destroyed, most commonly by a forest fire. But when they do experience regrowth…awww the beauty.

Isn’t that the way in our journeys sometimes? We really don’t reach our full potential, or develop real empathy, or experience God at the deepest level, until we are smothered by experiences or trauma that leave us forest-fire dead.

I have seen some images lately of destroyed people: People destroyed by war, by life circumstances. I have met with people knocked down by divorce, betrayal and abandonment. But resilience can come when the trauma lifts, the sun shines again and we realize the strength we have because of Faith and Family and Friends….

Today, I got a little break and the scarring is letting liquids pass through. They were able to remove the tube down my throat and tomorrow we will try something a little more fortified and before long, I will be eating along with my family and friends. I am determined to be a Fire Lily.

How about you? What situation in your life needs to be overcome with the perseverance that asks you to push through scorched earth?

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,


Sonia

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Boundaries: Embrace your role as parent

I have some really wonderful children who constantly outshine anything I have done in my life. I wish I could take credit for it, but I am quite sure it is a blessing straight from the Lord. However, I have been very intentional in my parenting, and I think every once in awhile I think there is something worth sharing with parents who are not feeling confident in their role.

One of my proudest moments as a parent happened in a doctor’s office. I had taken my daughter for her required physical so that she could participate on her school dance team. The PA performing the exam, was unmarried, no children and looked not much older than my daughter. After discussing a vaccination specifically for sexually transmitted diseases, she asked me to leave the room so that she could have a private conversation with my daughter. My daughter looked her straight in the eye and let her know that there wasn’t anything she would confide in her that wouldn’t tell her mother. As it should be.

Parenting is much more than helping a small person become a big person. As parents, we should strive for much more than survival in our young. We have an opportunity, as parents, to instill in our children values and influence that will help them navigate life long after they leave the shelter of our roof.

There is a battle out there right now and popular culture is trying to minimize the influence of parents on their children. As a psychotherapist who also has a Masters in Education, with an emphasis in child development, I want to warn you of some of the dangers in influencing young minds with subjects that can lead to behaviors and mental health that can be very destructive.

There is a movement right now to introduce sexuality to children as young as kindergarten. On a very basic level, what rational human thinks a 5 year old needs to worry about sexuality? Let kids play in the dirt, play with dolls…but there is no need to apply a sexualized meaning to any of these activities. Children are natural explorers and experimenting with forms of play does not have to be an indicator of their adult sexual preference. In fact, when we are too eager to make experimentation a life long decision, we run the risk of sabotaging long term goals.

Data supports that children who are sexualized early in their lives tend to have more promiscuous teenage years and are more likely to experience sexual trauma. Know that if you are facilitating conversations that they are not developmentally ready to handle, you are not promoting mental health, you are sabotaging it.

For those of you who are frothing at the mouth right now, thinking that I am narrow minded and not in touch, I want you to know that I sit with many clients who suffer their entire adult lives because of early sexualization. Healthy sexuality comes not from early sexualization but from protecting the freedom of childhood that allows kids to try any number of activities without making them about sexual preference.

So parents, here is the free counseling: TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN about who they are and what interests they want to pursue, not in the light of sexuality but of personhood. Encourage your children to have individualistic thinking when it comes to the preferences they choose and confidence that comes from within, rather than from the cheering crowds. This will allow them to make choices about faith, lifestyle and even sexual preferences outside of public approval. Don’t we all know that public approval of almost anything should be questioned just a little bit?

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Social Media: What is the back story?

Just yesterday, I had the opportunity to post on Social Media about my amazing kids. As a family, we looked so happy and put together as we celebrated some things we have to be grateful for in this season of life. But part of me felt a little false, even as I posted, because the pretty pictures are not really the whole story. As someone who sits in the dark places with people, I feel an obligation to shed some truth so that those who struggle know that even in the bright moments of life, there is often pain, past trauma and overall life influencing how we travel on in this life journey. What those banner weekend pics didn’t show was the pain of the past week, the years of hard work and the overhanging gloom that chronic illness brings to our family.

Oftentimes when we observe people’s lives through the lens of Facebook, Instagram, or even from across the street, there is no way to know the whole story. When we only observe the glory moments, we open ourselves up to unfair comparison which can lead to all sorts of unhealthy. For example, the headline for our family did not include the IEP meetings from grade school, the obstacles overcome for the current title, last week’s hospital stay or the crying on the bathroom floor just moments before.

It can be so easy to look at other people and make assumptions. When we see the newly divorced woman looking amazing in her bikini, we often fail to associate the pain of rejection that may have driven that physical fitness goal. Or when we hear of someone getting promoted at work, we rarely think that maybe growing up in poverty may be a trauma that haunts that individual on a daily basis, causing them to anxiously pursue wealth as a pacifier. We only see the heavenly lights shining down.

Some of the shiniest people have dark pasts, unseen trauma, and heavy burdens to carry. It is important to remember that, when you are going through a difficult struggle and you can’t see a way out. Hold on for the stars to come your way and keep your eyes looking up so you don’t miss them!

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Self Care: Not just a bubble bath

Y’all know that I don’t love it when popular culture runs wild with terminology used in therapy. So many terms being misused out there! Not everyone is bi-polar or narcissistic, for your information. Recently someone told me that she was recovering from a self care drunken night out with friends and I admit, I winced. People! You shouldn’t have to recover from self care!

Now before you go thinking that I am judgey and start rolling your eyes in my direction, let me clarify that if going out with the girls and throwing back a few is a good time for you, by all means go. But if you are calling this event self care, be sure that after participating in the event, you can honestly say you are a much better person for going and you are more ready to take on the world because of the time spent. A good time is a good time but it isn’t always self care.

Another misconception is that if a tired mommy can just get a bubble bath every once in awhile, she can check self care off her To Do list and be ready to take on whatever comes her way. While a long soak is a wonderful end to the day for some of us, that isn’t quite enough for most people. It might take the edge off but self care is meant to go a little deeper.

When women come to me for counseling because they feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of life, the dynamics of relationships and the pitfalls of living in this world, neither one night out with some friends or a fancy hygiene ritual is likely to be the fix. The women who pay for ongoing counseling are coming because in their journey of life, they lost their sense of self along the way and they need some tools to recapture their empowered self.

Self care, in the therapeutic sense addresses more than just the needs at the surface. It addresses the calling of one’s intellectual, physical and spiritual self. Let’s break these down practically so that you can start thinking of your own ideas of how to feed these areas of your life.

MIND: We are learners by nature. We are happiest when we are thinking about, reading about and listening to subjects and ideas we are interested in. What are you doing to feed your mind and keep your thoughts positive?

BODY: Our bodies need sustenance, rest and rehabilitation. Take a look at how you are treating your body and ask yourself if you are getting the nutrition and exercise needed for your busy life. Are you taking time to go to the doctor, the gym, the nutritionist or the salon?

SOUL: It is far too easy to overlook the needs of our heart. What are rituals that feed your soul? Do you meditate or journal? Do you spend time in nature or take time to read the Bible? Is there a self-help book you have wanted to dive into?

This just scratches the surface of self care but I hope it gets you thinking. When we take good care of ourselves, we are empowered to better care for others. You will know that your self care is effective, not because you have to recover from it, but rather you will feel prepared and able to better serve others!

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Baggage: Leave some behind

I travel a lot. Even in the pandemic, I am a Southwest Airlines A-lister. I travel for work, for health and for fun. As a result, I may buy more luggage than the average person. I research brands. I have had soft sided and hard sided. Sometimes I know right away that I bought a lemon, when there is an early scratch or tear. Sometimes I think I have finally found a winner only to have it broken as it emerges onto the roundabout. Oh so frustrating.

Our travel baggage and our emotional baggage share some characteristics. We can invest in ourselves as we do our suitcases and feel confident in our sturdiness, only to find that sometimes circumstances outside our control can trigger, tear and break off parts of us that put us in need of repair.

As we move forward in the journey of life, it is important to know when to ditch the baggage. When we hang on too tight to our hurts from the past, we actually put ourselves at risk of more hurt. Like the time I thought my suitcase had one more trip left in it and it fell apart on vacation so I had to spend precious hours supposed to be spent on relaxation, searching for a new bag for my trip home.

Have you had your heart broken by people or circumstances and no matter how hard you try, the damage done seems to impact your current life situation? Is it time to ditch the old hurts and trauma and start living with renewed thinking? It might be time to reframe some of the messages that can play in your head when past experiences insist on negatively impacting your current job or relationship.

Just today, I was sharing with a client how a past work situation left me very wounded when I felt completely betrayed by a woman I had trusted with my commitment, time and money. When I was finally able to reframe the situation, to highlight that I emerged from that experience with a number of new friends, better boundaries and my current mission agency that treats me very well, I felt the release of the trauma. That baggage doesn’t have to impact me negatively anymore if I don’t allow it to. I refuse to be a person who doesn’t trust or can’t give of myself fully because of past wounding.

What situation in your life needs a little reframing? When we reframe, we allow ourselves to keep the memories in the what-doesn’t-kill-us-makes-us-stronger journal of our life. This helps us to journey on with confidence, wisdom and stronger boundaries. It also helps us to feel accomplishment, instead of defeat, when we look at those stamps in our passport of life and realize how we often grow the most through trials.

Maybe it is time for you to evaluate some of your past hurts and kick some of the lasting ickiness to the curb to focus on the strength you have as a result. As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Processing: Is it never ending?

I find it kind of funny when counselor terms start to be used in pop culture. Of course, the definition changes as people throw around terms like bi-polar, narcissist, OCD…and unfortunately sometimes people who know a little bit about these diagnosis don’t always get it all the way right…but it is still a step in the right direction of the general public realizing that sometimes people have a reason behind their confusing actions. A term that I am hearing more and more people use is PROCESSING. In a general sense, when used in a social context, it often means that you aren’t ready to respond to a comment or situation because you are still sorting it all out and haven’t reached a conclusion. It is also a good way to avoid a conversation that has the chance of getting heated when you don’t have the energy for that. For example, “I am processing all the changes that are going on in the world right now.” This open-ended processing could go on forever and that isn’t really how processing is used when you are sitting on the therapy couch.

Processing, in a counselor setting, is a whole bunch more than that. Healthy processing leads to improved emotional health and hopefully some personal empowerment. I thought it might be helpful to share some things I look for when I am processing with my clients.

As you may have guessed, a prospective client never calls me to tell me how great everything in their life is going. There is always a life situation that seems overwhelming, confusing, traumatizing or paralyzing. They often have thoughts in their head, feelings in their heart, pain in their body and maybe even some money invested in a lawyer…and together we need to find a way to get all of those things to have less of a negative effect on their daily walk. I like to process following a multi-step journey: thinking, feeling, articulating, advocating and finally, empowerment/life change.

THINKING: Each of us has a lifetime of family life, education, peer groups, experiences, jobs, church life, and sometimes some trauma that leads us to our opinions of how to view our current situation. As we face a new energy-draining situation, our mind calls on past knowledge and experience to give us an opinion of how to go forward. Sometimes this opinion is spot on and other times, it is informed by something traumatic (triggers), leading us to some foggy thinking rather than clear and rational thought. Talking with a therapist about your history lets them know what life experiences in your past are informing how you respond to the situation in front of you.

FEELING: When faced with a tough moment in life, our emotions can sometimes get the best of us. In those moments of feeling abandoned, hurt, betrayed, or scorned, our response might look like anger instead of the real emotion. Sometimes there is a tendency to shut down, cry or have an anxiety attack instead of expressing the actual emotions being experienced. Being able to properly identity what emotion you are experiencing helps you to respond to a situation properly rather than with an emotion-response that fuels the disfunction in front of you.

ARTICULATING: Most people have a tendency to either bottle up emotions or let them run wild. This leads to arguments and interactions that become shut down or turns the conversation from an ant to a mole hill. Articulating at the right time, with carefully chosen words that accurately express how you feel and what you hope to see happen, leads to healthy interactions with people you love or at least have to live or work with on a regular basis. Having a safe space to write your script is important when navigating tough situations.

ADVOCATING: Once we have processed a situation or dynamic that required some unpacking, it is important to use that new understanding to advocate for yourself and others in a healthy manner. When you have processed well, you should have an understanding of why you were affected a particular way, an ability to express how you feel about the situation and words to describe how you would like to go forward with this new knowledge and clarity. You should know better how to explain yourself and what needs are being met or need attention.

LIFE CHANGE: Often at the summation of counseling, I will ask a client, “How will you know that the issue we have been processing is leading to life change?” It is important to have a goal for your processing that involves empowerment and improved relationships. People who utilize processing skills well, have better communication and conflict outcomes that indicate good boundaries, met goals and resolved conflict.

It is always a good self check to ask yourself if all your processing is leading to more drama or to a feeling of confidence with forward life movement. If there is a situation in your life that needs some working through, find a quiet space, a trusted friend or….let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia