I grew up in a no-nonsense Christian home. My parents did not apologize for their faith, their lifestyle choices and their commitment to principles not always popular in mainstream culture. They also were, to this day, the greatest example to me of what it means to be gracious, hospitable and sacrificially loving. I often heard my mom say in response to those that disagreed with her theology, “You know, that is between you and the Lord.” She also used this boundary setting technique with me, when I challenged things as a teen and early in my adult life. Quite simply, she had a belief system that she was comfortable with and yet, she allowed others to explore their beliefs, hear from God and be completely unique in their world view. Because of this, she had an enormous circle of friends from many walks of life, with whom she was able to enjoy deep relationship. When I think of tolerance, this is what I envision.
Relationships can be destroyed over our disagreements about life choices. This usually is because we believe that consensus is somehow better than allowing another person the freedom to choose for themselves. However, consensus only works when it is truly agreed upon by both parties. When one side feels voiceless, they usually just get annoyed and eventually angry. This is a consequence of disagreement. But for some reason, our society wants people to accept positions, even if they are contrary to everything they believe in, without any feeling of frustration. Huh? By the way, that is not tolerance.
I think one reason tolerance has not been very successful as a theme in our culture is that boundary setting has not been utilized. Both sides of many controversial issues ask not only for buy in to their belief, but the consequences of their choices are supposed to be absorbed by society at large. One of the ongoing conversations in my childhood home, as it related to free choice, was who was responsible for the decision at the end of the day. For example, one conversation that I remember fondly, my mother stated that while she would feel very sad and disappointed if I were to make the choice to do drugs, it wasn’t her choice to make. She also made it clear that if I made a mess out of my life because I made that choice, it was my responsibility to take whatever consequences came from that decision. That was some spectacular boundary setting from a woman who would have done anything for her children.
Let me relate this to the counseling setting, as this is the world I live in and am most interested in having an ongoing effect. If someone comes in for counseling, let’s say for their struggling marriage, and it comes out that one spouse tends to overindulge with alcohol, I might hear resistance from that individual that this is simply the way they unwind. They might even say that it is their right to have a drink after a long day at work. That might be true. For one person, a tall glass of wine, at the end of the day, is a perfect way to relax. It can even be medicinal. For another person, that same glass of wine is a gateway to a second or third glass, an excuse to be angry, or a way to avoid relationship with their spouse or children. My job in this scenario, is not to demand that someone change their alcohol consumption. Rather, as an expert in dynamic, I help individuals to see the effect their behavior is having on the family and then they have to decide if they want to change their behavior. If they want to improve the relationship, some sacrifice on their part, might have to be made. The other effected members also have to decide what responsibility they choose to accept, so that they do not become the spouse who overcompensates, acts co-dependently, or endures abuse with unfounded hope that the dynamic will change, even if they don’t. In short, one person’s decision to have a glass of wine should not be a family’s burden to bear if that person can’t do so maturely, responsibly and without attention to the effect it is having on everyone else. And certainly, that family should not be expected to all get drunk so that the individual can feel more comfortable with their choices. I say this facetiously, but you get my point.
This is a time in history where belief systems are being challenged in our country and folks are having to really examine what they believe, why they believe it, and what effect their belief has on others. My respect for others most definitely vacillates based on how maturely they behave when expressing their beliefs and the responsibility they accept for the decisions they make. I am pretty comfortable stating that it is not as important that we agree on everything but rather that we use our voices to stand for what we believe in, we pro-actively, not passively, work for the good of ourselves and others and that we set boundaries that protect what we believe in, but show respect for other people’s right to choose beliefs that they feel strongly about. This is true whether we are talking about our personal or societal relationships. Those that choose to beat others over the head with what God, intuition or personal experience has placed on their heart, only incite that annoyance I referred to earlier. For community to work, on either a small or large scale, individuals need to feel heard, need to feel respected and everyone must accept the consequences of their choices.
At the end of the day or at the end of each of our lives, we all face, at minimum, a mirror, or for those who believe, the face of God. Live so that this moment is beautiful.