Have you ever been in a situation where you are given information that feels confrontational, by one person on behalf of another person? You might have wondered why the person being represented had not brought the issue to your attention, but you still felt an obligation to respond…more than not because you cared deeply about the relationship. It may sound like this:
“You really hurt her feelings when you….”
“He is going through a hard time and needs your understanding.”
“I feel uncomfortable about what I am hearing regarding ….”
While it is important to acknowledge that the person coming to you might have positive motivation, if you are left feeling misunderstood and manipulated, it is because you are. The approach, by definition, puts you on the defensive to not only the person being represented, but the new party who has taken it upon themselves to intervene. You might not even realize you feel uncomfortable with the situation until later, when the situation being analyzed gets worse before it gets better.
As a mental health therapist, I hear about situations resembling this from clients and like everyone, I experience them in my own life. It is called triangulation. It is a manipulation tactic that people use both intentionally and unintentionally when trying to get control of a situation that is bothering them. The people involved may be wonderful, well-intentioned, caring people but the result of triangulation is rarely positive; friendships are broken, marriages put at odds and work environments poisoned.
Emotionally mature people should speak for themselves
Even if well-intentioned, let’s be absolutely clear that Triangulation is a manipulation tactic. One person is choosing to not communicate directly with another person, and instead uses a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle. Both the non-communicator and the communicator are part of the manipulation as one is avoiding a job that belongs to them and the other is taking on responsibility that diminishes the intelligence of the person they think they are representing. Simply put, emotionally mature individuals speak for themselves.
Part of the reason Triangulation is dangerous is that triangulation causes splitting. That is where one person manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. Some of the less than enjoyable results of this might be an artificial rivalry or a result called ‘divide and conquer’ where two people are played against one another.
In the context of narcissism, an ever increasing diagnosis, triangulation is when the narcissist attempts to control the flow, interpretation, and nuances of communication between two separate people or groups of people. Ensuring communications flow through, and constantly relate back to the narcissist providing them a feeling of importance. Common scenarios include a parent attempting to control communication between two children, or an emotionally abusive partner attempting to control communication between the other partner and the other partner’s friends and family. A narcissistic person wants to ensure the other actors communicate through them but remain otherwise isolated. In some cases narcissists will use control of communication to drive a wedge between the other parties. This can be done by falsely making one of the people into a scapegoat for problems that the narcissist is actually responsible for or that are otherwise unrelated. In addition the narcissist may falsely credit the other person with saying or thinking something hurtful, or may put too much emphasis on an aspect of something that was said to them that ignores the wider context. (Morrigan, Danu, You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers)
Breaking the triangulation cycle is not easy
If you find yourself being manipulated in this way, I encourage you to get out of the way. I tell my clients to sit on your hands and put a lock on your mouth until you can talk directly to the person that is at the heart of it. If you engage, the situation can only get worse. But let me tell you, this is beyond tough to do because as was pointed out, if it triggers you, the relationship is most likely an important one and you might have to fight back the desire to “get the truth out there”. But the truth should only be discussed between the two parties directly involved, especially when both parties want to be emotionally mature adults.
Boundaries are hard to set and often the process hurts like a mama. The hope that one must cling to is that positive, healthy relationships await at the end.
With love,
Sonia