A couple months ago, I wrote a piece about how to rock the college essay. Since then, I have worked on a few essays and college applications with clients and I must confess that I get invested in these kids and their next steps! It takes me back to going through the process with my own kids, and I want to help these individuals express themselves in a way that a stranger reading about them will think they are perfect for the school of their choice. I am not thrilled that I have to wait so long to hear the outcome!
Is this the time to stop helicoptering?
So when I read an article the other day about how parents need to stop helicoptering and let their children apply to college without any intervention, I wondered if offering these services to my clients is me not letting teenage kids grow up through this process. But, if you follow me at all, you know that I am a shoot-it-straight kind of gal and this is where I landed. We live in a world of high achieving people and that ‘driven mentality’ is not going anywhere. For most parents of kids applying to college, they have attended about a million back to school nights and teacher conferences. They have cheered from the sidelines in the rain or the sweaty gym. They have made almost-midnight runs to get glue for projects that will end up under a bed. So….is the ‘college application’ the time for these invested individuals to not at least check in on that process. I hardly think so.
Before I say the next thing, let me preface it with I LOVE TEACHERS! I was a high school teacher, my kids have been blessed by teachers and teachers by in large are a fine group of people. But here is what I found out when I had two kids going through the apply-to-college stage of senior year. In my day, kids applied to a couple schools and worked on their essays in English class. Today, our youngsters are applying to an average of 8 schools. Experts are suggesting that kids apply to 12 so that they have negotiating power at the finish line. Our teachers do not have the bandwidth to read all those applications, write recommendation letters and continue to offer vibrant curriculum in the first couple of months in the school year. You cannot rely on your teachers to catch every grammatical error or have the time to encourage your little darling to restructure the last paragraph because it makes no sense whatsoever. They are preparing your child to go to college but they are not responsible to get them in.
Other adults have to step in and assist with this process. Why? Because choosing a college is like choosing a home: You want the best home, in the best location, for the best price so that you will be happy and not want to move. Just like you most likely would not purchase a home for yourself without getting at least a little input from someone you trust, your child might need a little support as they choose an institution, to be their alma mater, throughout their life on earth. This is done by researching for best fit, applying to schools that meet your decided upon criteria, and then offering up the best possible application that your child can put together in a few weeks time.
Use the common application but go the distance
The Common Application is a new tool that is important for this process. For those of you navigating through it, you know that more and more colleges and universities are allowing students to use it, which is WONDERFUL! But here is my caution to you…read the fine print. Some applications allow students to use this tool and then have some optional questions. If there are optional questions on an application, the answer is YES…you should complete those questions if you have any desire to attend that university and most especially, if you are hoping to have them float some funds your way. And before you say, “I don’t think we are going to get any financial aid”, let me assure you, almost everyone can get some and you don’t want to ruin that opportunity because you didn’t feel like answering a few questions.
the time for celebration comes in a blink of an eye
I want to close with some encouraging words now that I have probably stressed a few of you out. The fact of the matter is that during the application window of time, it seems like you are running around with your head cut off. Your child is retaking SAT and ACT tests and resending results and application deadlines are all over the board. You are deciding whether to do rolling admission, early admission and whether you think you want to spend $100 to apply to a reach school. And then as soon as the crazy starts, you enter the longgggggg wait. It is important that you remember this is the last year that your child will have this time. Don’t spend it worrying if they are going to be admitted to their #1 choice but rather, know that you have put in the work and what is meant to be, will happen.
And then enjoy those acceptance letters. If your child has set realistic goals according to their abilities and done the research for best fit, you will get acceptance letters. Celebrate.
As always, let me know if I can help.
Sonia
Even if well-intentioned, let’s be absolutely clear that Triangulation is a manipulation tactic. One person is choosing to not communicate directly with another person, and instead uses a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle. Both the non-communicator and the communicator are part of the manipulation as one is avoiding a job that belongs to them and the other is taking on responsibility that diminishes the intelligence of the person they think they are representing. Simply put, emotionally mature individuals speak for themselves.
If you find yourself being manipulated in this way, I encourage you to get out of the way. I tell my clients to sit on your hands and put a lock on your mouth until you can talk directly to the person that is at the heart of it. If you engage, the situation can only get worse. But let me tell you, this is beyond tough to do because as was pointed out, if it triggers you, the relationship is most likely an important one and you might have to fight back the desire to “get the truth out there”. But the truth should only be discussed between the two parties directly involved, especially when both parties want to be emotionally mature adults.
Let me start this piece by saying that our individuality is SUPER DUPER important. Our uniqueness should ABSOLUTELY be celebrated. But, can we all consider, for just a tiny second, that
As my clients know, I am a relentless advocate for boundaries that protect the individual. There are more than a few of us that get bloodied by the inability to stand up to people who take advantage, and a large part of my work is focused on empowering the downtrodden. Additionally, I believe we are each God’s creation, made in His image, to live a life that glorifies our creator. That said, we are also to use our uniqueness to bring symmetry, balance and creativity to the systems we are a part of: our marriages, our friendships, our workplaces, our country, our world.
In my first career after college and graduate school, I was a high school teacher in Southern California for about eight years. That seems like a lifetime ago, mostly because it was, but it is an experience that has impacted my current work as a psychotherapist most profoundly. 
Try reading your essay out loud. People have a tendency to visually correct mistakes without even realizing it.
It seems in my line of work, themes present themselves. I am coming out of a season of working with a number of blended families. Marriage, after the death of a spouse, or after a divorce, has a number of challenges. Some of these challenges center around the children who are expected to be resilient and as excited as their parent, who has found a new love to share life with.
If you grew up with the Brady Bunch on TV, you know that the Brady family knew how to make a blended family look ideal. If you think about it, the whole show was about navigating through life issues but the ending was always just a little too Pollyanna. In real families, conflicts are not always resolved in one family meeting while the maid makes dinner. In real families, there might be deep wounds being brought into the mix because of past hurts. There might be visitation rights and shared schedules that interrupt the work that a new blended family is doing. Many times, there are issues with expenses and hurt feelings when the new marriage takes precedence over something that had once been important to the kids. Two people that thought they would parent well together find that they are triggered by their new spouse when they do anything that looks or sounds like the person they divorced. Blending families can be difficult but when done well, blended families can offer new life.