Category: Families

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Feel destroyed?: Remember the Fire Lily

I am writing this blog from a hospital room. I have had a week of feeling absolutely destroyed. Can you imagine hearing the words that after 8 years, you might be in cancer remission? I heard those words a couple weeks ago but as the days ensued, I have had side effects that have put me in fear of being fed intravenously for weeks to come.

Sometimes life brings us a break, only to slam us down with something that feels even harder than the last blow. For me, the cancer treatment has caused scarring in my intestines that has made it impossible to eat for almost two months. Two months. Everyone who knows me knows that I absolutely live to eat, so not being able to have solid foods for such a long time has been quite the humbling experience. I am jokingly calling it my “wedding weight loss plan” but it has been pretty frightening. I watched my sweet mama go through a rapid weight loss that left her looking like a Holocaust victim, so I have some trauma that recurs when I face these trials for sure.

My sweet husband read me a devotional awhile back that told the story of the Fire Lily. Fire Lillies are a beautiful flower that only regrow in the event of being destroyed, most commonly by a forest fire. But when they do experience regrowth…awww the beauty.

Isn’t that the way in our journeys sometimes? We really don’t reach our full potential, or develop real empathy, or experience God at the deepest level, until we are smothered by experiences or trauma that leave us forest-fire dead.

I have seen some images lately of destroyed people: People destroyed by war, by life circumstances. I have met with people knocked down by divorce, betrayal and abandonment. But resilience can come when the trauma lifts, the sun shines again and we realize the strength we have because of Faith and Family and Friends….

Today, I got a little break and the scarring is letting liquids pass through. They were able to remove the tube down my throat and tomorrow we will try something a little more fortified and before long, I will be eating along with my family and friends. I am determined to be a Fire Lily.

How about you? What situation in your life needs to be overcome with the perseverance that asks you to push through scorched earth?

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,


Sonia

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Boundaries: Embrace your role as parent

I have some really wonderful children who constantly outshine anything I have done in my life. I wish I could take credit for it, but I am quite sure it is a blessing straight from the Lord. However, I have been very intentional in my parenting, and I think every once in awhile I think there is something worth sharing with parents who are not feeling confident in their role.

One of my proudest moments as a parent happened in a doctor’s office. I had taken my daughter for her required physical so that she could participate on her school dance team. The PA performing the exam, was unmarried, no children and looked not much older than my daughter. After discussing a vaccination specifically for sexually transmitted diseases, she asked me to leave the room so that she could have a private conversation with my daughter. My daughter looked her straight in the eye and let her know that there wasn’t anything she would confide in her that wouldn’t tell her mother. As it should be.

Parenting is much more than helping a small person become a big person. As parents, we should strive for much more than survival in our young. We have an opportunity, as parents, to instill in our children values and influence that will help them navigate life long after they leave the shelter of our roof.

There is a battle out there right now and popular culture is trying to minimize the influence of parents on their children. As a psychotherapist who also has a Masters in Education, with an emphasis in child development, I want to warn you of some of the dangers in influencing young minds with subjects that can lead to behaviors and mental health that can be very destructive.

There is a movement right now to introduce sexuality to children as young as kindergarten. On a very basic level, what rational human thinks a 5 year old needs to worry about sexuality? Let kids play in the dirt, play with dolls…but there is no need to apply a sexualized meaning to any of these activities. Children are natural explorers and experimenting with forms of play does not have to be an indicator of their adult sexual preference. In fact, when we are too eager to make experimentation a life long decision, we run the risk of sabotaging long term goals.

Data supports that children who are sexualized early in their lives tend to have more promiscuous teenage years and are more likely to experience sexual trauma. Know that if you are facilitating conversations that they are not developmentally ready to handle, you are not promoting mental health, you are sabotaging it.

For those of you who are frothing at the mouth right now, thinking that I am narrow minded and not in touch, I want you to know that I sit with many clients who suffer their entire adult lives because of early sexualization. Healthy sexuality comes not from early sexualization but from protecting the freedom of childhood that allows kids to try any number of activities without making them about sexual preference.

So parents, here is the free counseling: TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN about who they are and what interests they want to pursue, not in the light of sexuality but of personhood. Encourage your children to have individualistic thinking when it comes to the preferences they choose and confidence that comes from within, rather than from the cheering crowds. This will allow them to make choices about faith, lifestyle and even sexual preferences outside of public approval. Don’t we all know that public approval of almost anything should be questioned just a little bit?

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Social Media: What is the back story?

Just yesterday, I had the opportunity to post on Social Media about my amazing kids. As a family, we looked so happy and put together as we celebrated some things we have to be grateful for in this season of life. But part of me felt a little false, even as I posted, because the pretty pictures are not really the whole story. As someone who sits in the dark places with people, I feel an obligation to shed some truth so that those who struggle know that even in the bright moments of life, there is often pain, past trauma and overall life influencing how we travel on in this life journey. What those banner weekend pics didn’t show was the pain of the past week, the years of hard work and the overhanging gloom that chronic illness brings to our family.

Oftentimes when we observe people’s lives through the lens of Facebook, Instagram, or even from across the street, there is no way to know the whole story. When we only observe the glory moments, we open ourselves up to unfair comparison which can lead to all sorts of unhealthy. For example, the headline for our family did not include the IEP meetings from grade school, the obstacles overcome for the current title, last week’s hospital stay or the crying on the bathroom floor just moments before.

It can be so easy to look at other people and make assumptions. When we see the newly divorced woman looking amazing in her bikini, we often fail to associate the pain of rejection that may have driven that physical fitness goal. Or when we hear of someone getting promoted at work, we rarely think that maybe growing up in poverty may be a trauma that haunts that individual on a daily basis, causing them to anxiously pursue wealth as a pacifier. We only see the heavenly lights shining down.

Some of the shiniest people have dark pasts, unseen trauma, and heavy burdens to carry. It is important to remember that, when you are going through a difficult struggle and you can’t see a way out. Hold on for the stars to come your way and keep your eyes looking up so you don’t miss them!

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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Divorce: You aren’t married anymore

If you had told me, when I was getting my degree to be a mental health therapist, how many people I would walk with through divorce, I would have been shocked. Therapists go into the work we do to heal relationships and promote connection, not division. But oftentimes, the decision to end a marriage is an empowered one, when someone has been emotionally, verbally or physically abused. It can also be a decision made by one partner, leaving the other with little choice but to comply. Whether the divorce is somewhat amicable or whether it is one full of hostility, there is a dynamic that often occurs when old marital habits linger well past the moment the divorce is final. This is not healthy for the two people getting the divorce and it can be very confusing for the extended family and friends that get caught up in the drama.

Divorces often occur when one or both spouses have reached the end of their tolerance for whatever issues have come between them. I have heard them all: infidelity, non-existent sex life, verbal or physical abuse, a slow growing-apart over time, terrible communication, conflict over parenting roles….what else??? So many reasons! But even when one or both spouses believe they can’t live another day with that person they sleep next to every night, they often have not thought out what the day to day will look like when they are no longer under the same roof.

In marriage, there are roles we take on because we are in a partnership. We do things like grocery shop, mow the lawn, change the lightbulbs, take the kids to the doctor’s office, do the taxes, write the Christmas cards, not just because we love doing those tasks but because we are a member of a team. There are also things we sacrifice in order to promote long term marriage or family goals. We commit to helping the system run because we have an expectation that at the end of our life, we will have someone to hold our hand and help us navigate the changing seasons, using the trust, love and money we have built together. No one works that hard thinking they are going to hear the words, “I want a divorce.”

Strangely, there are a lot of folks out there that think they can ask for a divorce and also still have some of the benefits of being married to the person they have scorned. There is an assumption that if mom always took the kids to the dentist, she will continue to do so. Or if dad always did the bills and taxes, he will still look out for the interest of the family when it comes to the finances. Nope. When there is a divorce, it is sometimes hard to accept that those roles will change and new normals need to be fashioned so that everyone in the family can move forward. In other words, if you ask someone for a divorce, you no longer have the right to ask them to put you first. They do not have to work around your work schedule, change their plans to accommodate yours, be the only one who is responsible for caring for the house…or caring for the kids… When you reject someone by leaving them, do not expect them to immediately respond to your texts or jump when you need them. Those are responses that you get from a spouse. If you want to earn trust over time to have some of those niceties, you need to do some hard relationship building work…the hard work you didn’t do when you were married. 

There is a cultural badge of honor given to people that can be friends after a divorce but if you think about it, if you can be good friends, what kept you from fighting for your marriage? Is there any chance that you are being somewhat abused or manipulated in the “friendship” as well? I often coach clients to change the face of their ex to someone who is only an acquaintance when they are trying to unwind their long time habits. Would you watch the acquaintance’s cat when they went out of town? Would you answer their midnight call? If the answer is no, you might need some support as you establish new boundaries with someone who is no longer your ride or die.

Divorce is painful. It is messy. It can leave some scars. But be careful not to implement a new system that is just as painful as the system you are trying to end. As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,
Sonia

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Sex Education: Wanna go there?

Lately, all my ‘magazines for therapists’ that I get, have one thing in common. They are attempting to educate me on how to work with people who have gender identity issues and/or people who have chosen lifestyles other than heterosexual relationships. There is an ever increasing need for therapy for those struggling with sexual addiction as well, including everything from porn addiction to sexual addiction within and outside committed relationships, crossing the lines of gender, age and species. This rampant addiction is ruining marriages and important relationships. An article I read recently was discussing the need for diversity in sex education at the elementary and middle school level so that all children could have an understanding of the issues they may encounter as they discover their personal sexual identity.

I remember when my own children had sex education in our local public school. We had some VERY interesting conversations in our home during that process. To be clear, I am not averse to sex education being offered at school…for goodness sake there are a lot of good reasons that the people spending most days with our kids need to make sure that they know some stuff. But for those of you parenting our impressionable youngsters, you may want to involve yourself in the process no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. Just because there is a curriculum being followed does not mean that the person teaching the curriculum doesn’t bring their own perceptions, opinions and let’s face it, baggage, to the table. For example, 1 in every 6 women has been molested or sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Depending on how she processed that event, she may be struggling with her own thoughts of how to be sexually healthy. This is only one example of something that could influence how sexuality conversations might be impacted within your child’s school setting. There are many more.

I also remember my own 6th grade sex education class and when I make the comparison to what is culturally acceptable today, it makes me laugh that my parents had to sign a waiver back then. What we learned back in the late 70’s/early 80’s was mostly science…there was not much sexuality being discussed. From a developmental stand point, this was very appropriate as what 6th grader is ready to make a commitment to a life long decision such as sexual preference? What adolescent should be making decisions that could impact them for life? And goodness knows that most 11-12 year olds are not going to enter into relationships that have good boundaries and heart protecting communication applications. To drive home the idea of who is teaching your children may impact their thought process, I had a teacher who literally told my class that oral sex is most effectively used when a woman is pregnant and may not want to have intercourse…huh? I can still see my mom’s face when I relayed that little tidbit. Oh goodness…I am laughing out loud as I write this, remembering that moment with my mom.

Is it possible that sex education in our elementary schools and junior highs should be focused more on personal development? Maybe instead of focusing on the sex act, we should be teaching communication skills, ways to communicate deeper level emotions, expectations in reciprocal relationships…I could go on. Let me spell it out for you. Very few couples come to counseling because they are confused about how to have sex. They are struggling because they have unmet expectations in their relationship, they have destructive ways of communicating, and life has been less than perfect so their relationship is suffering and thus, their intimacy isn’t near what they hoped it would be.

The bottom line, in my opinion, is that personal identity choices are best made when we are emotionally healthy, when we execute good boundaries and when we have a firm grasp on our non-negotiables in our relationships. Teach your elementary school and junior high kids about how to respect themselves, how to have healthy relationships evidenced by good communication and respect, and they have a better chance of making sexual choices that are healthy for themselves. If you don’t teach them these things, they run the risk of making sexual choices as a result of low self esteem, need for validation and the mistaken expectation that sexual interactions are always an indication of true love.

As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,

Sonia

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ADHD: Anything other than meds?

I used to be a high school teacher, so I am well aware of what it is like to have kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, as students in a class. One of my most memorable parent-teacher conferences was with a student and their father, where the father kept getting up to “roam” as we discussed how to manage his child in class. If dad can’t sit through a 30 minute conference….I wish I had known then, what I know now!

As I work with parents who are navigating online school during this Covid season, many parents are understanding how frustrating it can be for their students who struggle with focus. I can also imagine that there are some teachers out there, who are welcoming this season of parents gathering awareness, of what their child is like in class. Hopefully this post will give both parents and teachers some ideas! ADHD can be very manageable and some of the most talented people overcome the limitations of ADHD, and use the energy of this condition to do AMAZING things! Never use diagnosis as a lifetime limitation. Use it to empower!

For those of you who are wondering if your child has ADHD, here is a good definition for you:

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental health disorder ( I prefer the word “condition”) that can cause above-normal levels of hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. People with ADHD may also have trouble focusing their attention on a single task or sitting still for long periods of time. Both adults and children can have ADHD.

It is important to remember that everyone has “wiggles” that need to get out, through exercise and movement. It is not good to diagnose every kid who has some extra energy as ADHD. But if you notice that even with lots of exercise and a good amount of breaks from concentration, you or your child have wandering thoughts, lack of focus, inability to complete regular tasks, poor job performance, and issues with relationships, spurred from an inability to stay attentive in conversation, it might be something you consider. Always seek professional advice before starting a protocol.

Some common medications being used right now for ADHD are Contempla, Mydayis, and Strattera. While the results vary, many people do not like the side effects that can come with taking these drugs: fatigue, nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, bad mood. People are sometimes forced to choose between the side effect and the original struggle. The good news is that an ADHD diagnosis does not always end in taking medication. Everyone needs to choose what is best for their situation.

If you are feeling like “something has to change” but you are hesitant to go the medication route, maybe try some of these ideas!

Diet:
The first place to start is with diet. Did you know that there are some foods known to trigger ADHD? Foods such as milk, chocolate, soy, wheat, tomatoes, grapes, oranges and corn have been found to cause ADHD reactions in a large number of people. Additionally, foods rich in protein, lean beef, pork, poultry, fish, eggs, beans, nuts, soy, and low-fat dairy products, can have beneficial effects on ADHD symptoms. (Protein-rich foods are used by the body to make neurotransmitters, the chemicals released by brain cells to communicate with each other. Good to know if you have a family member struggling!)

A good book to take a look at is The ADHD Diet by Martin Meyer. (Amazon)  It is full of ideas to get your body working on your side!


Can Do Sitting Wedge:
Often times wiggling produces stimulation, resulting in more wiggling. Help yourself or your child sit still with a comfortable wedge that reduces stimuli and allows focus through less movement. These wedges are also good for posture and achy backs so it is a win-win. Click here for this much needed tool. 

Exercise:
Folks with ADHD need breaks from sitting still, more than most. Having a mini trampoline close to a work area is such a great idea for getting some energy out quickly. Those working from home might break for a walk around the block. While a long workout can be helpful as well, short energy burst exercise can help with productivity during a school or work day. Also, if your child has an opportunity to be part of an athletic team, take advantage of that! And don’t take those activities away, as a punishment, or you will only be punishing yourself!

Homeopathic supplement:
I always like to include a homeopathic remedy in my posts! Homeopathic remedies can be purchased at your local health food store or online and are often a good thing to try before you go the prescription drug route:

Hyoscyamos 6c twice daily for a period of months. Evaluate at 6 weeks and discontinue if there are no results. As always, consult your pharmacist for drug interaction with any prescriptions you might be already taking. Unlike prescription drugs, homeopathic supplements do not create artificial stimulus so do not use this for staying awake longer or creating hyper focus, as it won’t work that way.

Limit time on devices:
Oh…this is so hard nowadays! But just because your sweet child finally calms down when they are allowed to veg-out with their phone or the TV, you are setting them up have disrupted sleep (which is bad for ADHD) and restlessness later in the day. The reason is that devices are full of stimuli! And stimuli, for someone with ADHD, causes more stimuli (remember the wedge?)….so calm down another way.

Of course, this is just a snapshot of what can be done for someone with ADHD but it might be just enough to get you on a productive path to emotional health. As always, let me know if I can help.

With love,


Sonia