Category: Families

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Ladies, it is your life: Feminism in the counseling space

Sonia NelsonWe are in the throws of the ugliest political season I have ever seen. I have given up trying to enter into discussion about which disgusting person is better for our nation. My world is small anyway. I work with women, one on one, in a room, whether in the United States or around the world. I work to promote their dreams, their worth and their purpose. My hope, my deep longing, is that while our politicians battle it out, our nation begins to realize that feminism is no longer just about getting to vote, being paid more, or promoting sexual freedom. Feminism, if we are able to embrace the bigness of the concept, involves more than being president of a company or the nation, or getting free birth control. Feminism, the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities, goes way beyond this very limited public discussion.

When I began to see clients about 6 years ago, I was shocked at how the conversation with many of the women I saw, turned to emotional and sexual exploitation in their past. The number of women that have been harassed, molested, raped or passed over for not putting out, is mind blowing. The number of women scorned for their unplanned pregnancy, their choice to birth a child or their unfortunate decision to abort, is staggering. And don’t get me started on how many women endure verbal abuse that could show up on an x-ray machine of their heart.  I have been so impacted by how even one abusive incident can wreak havoc on a life. Abuse of women can be overt but it can also be very subtle. It can be found in the unspoken expectations, the lack of safety for female voices and the encouragement of behaviors that are not in the best interest of women overall.

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Parenting is a life-long commitment: Why have some parents already left the building?

My husband and I were some of the first parents we knew that allowed our 5th graders to have cell phones. You would have thought we bought them cocaine with all the flack from parents in our little community, who thought our use of cell phones was pre-mature. It makes me laugh out loud now because we would be normal today. Our decision at the time, appeared indulgent but in fact, we were trying to parent wisely. Mike traveled most of every week and when I dropped one child off for soccer practice and drove the other across town for dance, I needed to feel like both kids could get in contact me if there was an emergency. I am not sure if you have noticed but there is no such thing as a pay phone anymore.

Be encouraged. We did not hand our impressionable angels their devices and then act as if they were equipped in any way to use them in a mature way. We parented. No phones at the dinner table, no phones after we go to bed (this one changed later on), and absolutely nothing that could keep them from getting into college or getting a job was allowed on their phone. Early on, we established a family policy that allows any member of the family to view the contents of any other member’s phone and yes, we all have a tracking application so that any time, we can find one another if need be. You would actually be surprised at how the tracking device comes in handy for someone like me, who is directionally challenged. This policy started from day one and as a result, communication has always been open and now 7 years later, there is little need to check or track anything that is happening on our girls’ phones. Little need, because the communication was established before any crisis demanded that we intervene.

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If there is no “i” in your team, you might be spelling it wrong

IMG_2591Just days ago, I returned from being part of an all-female team, serving global women who in turn, dedicate their lives to the lost and forgotten of the world. Experience says that all that estrogen in one setting is a recipe for tension but as I have experienced with this group before, when team is done well, it is a beautiful thing.

We have all been raised on the mantra that there is no “I” in TEAM. Technically and grammatically speaking, this is obviously correct. However, as one who works in and with teams, I have come to realize that most dysfunction occurs when individuals within a team feel misunderstood, unappreciated or ignored for their individual contribution. This can be applied to a team as small as a nuclear family and to a team of 36 women who join together for a 10 day project half way around the world.

1 Peter 4:10-11 says that God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. The text reminds us to use them well to serve one another.

If you are in a situation where your gifts are not being utilized or the gifts of others do not allow you to contribute effectively, there might be a need for some adjustment of roles! This also applies to family life where it takes work to bring out the best in each member.

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Parenting In the words of Aibileen Clark: You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

you is kindI am not the first to think that parenting should come with a manual. As any parent knows, raising children is one of the most challenging jobs that life presents. If it hasn’t been a challenge to you, I am going to be bold and say that you may not be giving the job the proper attention. If you have perfect children and it has been a breeze, take it from a therapist, your time for real parenting just hasn’t arrived yet. I have often joked that I am glad my children were colicky as infants and real terrors at both 2 and 3. I paid at least some of my dues early on.

In high school, my friend Carlyn’s mom was a therapist. I remember her laughing one day with us and commenting that she knew way too much about the families in Friendly Hills, where we lived. Families, by nature of people living together, with life happening all around them, are all a little quirky. Parents bring their own junk to the table, and oftentimes, without realizing it, pass it on to their children so that all the junk can be officially passed on for generations. Again, if you think your family isn’t a little crazy, you may be the only one who sees it that way. Just sayin’. Like Carlyn’s mom, I know some stuff.

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Families… Talk Amongst Yourselves

stock-footage-attractive-young-african-american-family-talking-togetherIf there is one thing I love about the family I have, is that we do a whole lot of communicating. There is something so adorable about my teenagers telling me that they “don’t want to talk about it”, and then plopping down on the edge of my bed, to do just that. Even if I had intended to go to sleep, my parenting make-it-or-break-it moments often involve talking about “it” until I can barely keep my eyes open. Someday, these moments are going to be the bedrock of a mature relationship between my adult children and me. It is something I learned from my mother and I intend to pass it on.

All four members of my family are somewhat introverted and often need to be alone to sort out inner thoughts. However, we are all quite talkative when that sorting out is all done. Like every family, not every conversation is a love fest and we suffer breakdowns in communication when the subject matter is difficult, controversial or simply uncomfortable. I have come to understand that the more awkward the conversation, the more important it is to muscle through to the other side. It is not about regaining control of any issue, but rather about getting to the place where the real stuff resides and deep relationship can be fostered. It is about allowing authenticity and truly knowing one another. The process is not always pretty but there is nothing more beautiful than a family dynamic that has love, trust and open communication.

When I went into the field of psychotherapy, I was following a call to work with women, in a ministry capacity. However, in the course of study, I learned a whole lot about relationship dynamic and this, coupled with my life experience, makes me confident when I speak into families in need of therapy. What other people view as “listening to other people’s problems”, I see as solving a relational puzzle where parents and children, who all want healthy relationships, do and say things that complicate what God intends to be somewhat harmonious.

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