Let me start this piece by saying that our individuality is SUPER DUPER important. Our uniqueness should ABSOLUTELY be celebrated. But, can we all consider, for just a tiny second, that for unity to occur, there must be an undying commitment to what makes us similar, what makes us alike and what energizes our relationships? You might think that I am talking about the ongoing political scene in the good old U.S. of A., and for sure the concept applies, but the cultural worship of our individuality is not just ruining our country, it is also ruining our marriages, our families, and our workplaces, when it discounts the need for cooperation, compromise and harmony. As I work with clients in relationships and families, the balance between self love and care, and the “system” in crisis, is always a consideration.
Have boundaries but don’t shut others out.
As my clients know, I am a relentless advocate for boundaries that protect the individual. There are more than a few of us that get bloodied by the inability to stand up to people who take advantage, and a large part of my work is focused on empowering the downtrodden. Additionally, I believe we are each God’s creation, made in His image, to live a life that glorifies our creator. That said, we are also to use our uniqueness to bring symmetry, balance and creativity to the systems we are a part of: our marriages, our friendships, our workplaces, our country, our world.
In every positive relationship, there is give and take. There are times when consensus comes naturally and times when compromises are made. There are moments that grace is extended and instances where expectations are non-negotiable. Crisis occurs when the flow, the give and take, stays on one side too long. Crisis occurs when those with extreme positions, dig in and refuse to accommodate the ideas, thought processes or methods that others bring to the table. We have each had a relationship or a job that has simply become unbearable because the concessions that had to be made to make it work, outweighed the benefit of the situation.
Oftentimes, when working with couples or families, our first session focuses on the conflict that brings them to counseling and I hear an extensive list of arguments that have occurred, the hurts that have been experienced and the ultimatums of people ready to give up. There is often a feeling of release when at least, the issues are all out on the table. And while some couples and families have individuals who are causing most of the conflict, in the majority of cases, by the time the conflict lands in my office, there are systems, habits and cycles in place that everyone is participating in, whether they realize it or not.
Crisis in relationships is never resolved if any of the involved individuals refuse to relinquish something or demand that the other individuals give up all that is sacred to them.
When negotiating relationship, it is important to know what your goals are. For example, while a couple may not agree on how to parent, they may have the same goal of academic success for their child. A couple may not agree on how to spend their money but they may agree that economic stability is important for their relationship. When commonalities become the focus, often what each person does to achieve the goal can be tailored to their personality but the goal holds the couple or family together. It is important to remember that crisis in relationships is never resolved if any of the involved individuals refuse to relinquish anything or demand that the other individuals give up all that is sacred to them.
An “aha” moment that I often share with couples who come for counseling is a time that as a young married couple, Mike and I were at odds over something and Mike interrupted me “mid-rant” to remind me that he loved me and he was not the enemy. In a moment, I was brought to a place where I became reasonable because the focus was not on getting my way, but reaching a common goal. (Just to be clear, I am not always the crazy in our relationship, but I try to own up occasionally…)
Are there systems that you are a part of that could benefit from a change in focus from “whose turn is it to be “right”, to how can we get behind something that we agree on?
As always, let me know if I can help.
Sonia
When an individual, a couple or a family comes to counseling, I often ask them, “Why now?” I am curious as to what is was that tipped the balance, in the relationship at stake, or the issue at hand, to cause their desire to seek assistance. What moved the meter from “I can handle this” to “OUT OF CONTROL”? Some situations are elevated by obvious trauma: finding out about a cheating spouse, a death, or a diagnosis. But many situations become unbearable over much less overt changes.
The only way to truly know if the marriage, the friendship or the job is worth saving is to be direct at the outset of the imbalance, to share the frustrations you have, the part you are willing to contribute to solving the problem and the timeline that you foresee being the healthiest for the relationship. The WARNING LABEL to this prescription however, is that boundaries once set, can lead to a truth that might be hard to stomach.
Almost a year ago, I was at the finish line for a part-time job at a local church. The job description involved counseling and since I am a trained psychotherapist and the church uses a Biblical Counseling model, the final interview with the lead pastor involved some detailed questions about my theological stance and how I would come to terms with the theoretical differences between my training and the Biblical Counseling model. I consider myself fairly confident in an interview setting and quite honestly, I have never not been offered a job that I was invited to interview for…until this year. (I know that was a double negative…but so is this topic…)
