When an individual, a couple or a family comes to counseling, I often ask them, “Why now?” I am curious as to what is was that tipped the balance, in the relationship at stake, or the issue at hand, to cause their desire to seek assistance. What moved the meter from “I can handle this” to “OUT OF CONTROL”? Some situations are elevated by obvious trauma: finding out about a cheating spouse, a death, or a diagnosis. But many situations become unbearable over much less overt changes.
When Enough is Enough
When someone has just decided that they are finally “done” with a situation, or a subtle change has caused them to want to leave a job, abandon a relationship or ask a child to leave their home, it is important to identify the elements of the situation that have been causing the slow, ongoing frustration.
Here are some examples of thoughts I have heard:
His porn addiction did not bother me until I found out I was no longer enough to satisfy him.
I figured she could try pot and alcohol but I never expected her to lose her scholarship.
I was happy to do everything related to the home, but I needed his help when I was sick.
When I was passed over for the promotion, I realized the extra work I had done was unnoticed.
Her constant nagging was one thing but when she started criticizing my appearance, I lost it.
Hope Is Not A Strategy
In relationships there is always a balance of things going well and things that need a little attention. It is important, especially in the relationships that we want to be ongoing, that we watch the meter closely and fix the imbalances. Our tendency is to “hope” that things will improve or if the situation called for the other to act, they would. But “hope” is not a strategy. And just hoping things will improve usually leads to more dissatisfaction.
The only way to truly know if the marriage, the friendship or the job is worth saving is to be direct at the outset of the imbalance, to share the frustrations you have, the part you are willing to contribute to solving the problem and the timeline that you foresee being the healthiest for the relationship. The WARNING LABEL to this prescription however, is that boundaries once set, can lead to a truth that might be hard to stomach.
You might learn that your spouse does not care to work on the relationship or that the friendship you shared never had a place for you. You might learn that if you want your career to advance, you are going to have to find new employment. As difficult as the truth is, it is better than swimming upstream believing that you can win the approval or work harder to get noticed.
To Find Your Voice You Must Use Your Voice
The good news is that you might find out that you have a spouse that is willing to make significant changes to keep you in their life. You might find that a friend did not know you were feeling taken advantage of or that your boss had another job in mind for you that better fits with your goals. Either way, having the truth in hand, allows you to take back the power and decide how YOU want to proceed. It changes the experience from ‘life happening to you’ into ‘having a voice in how you live your life’.
Find your voice. Use your voice. Live your life.
Sonia
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