Friendly Narcissists: Can’t live with ‘em, can’t get away from them…

You might already know that mental health professionals use a book called the DSM to support diagnosis in the counseling space. This book has all the descriptions and codes necessary for us to better understand our clients, but also gives codes used by doctors to insurance agencies to represent the client issues. A few years ago, a new and updated DSM was issued and one of the BLARING omissions was the diagnosis for Narcissism. That is because, for something to be abnormal behavior, the majority of the population can’t be diagnosed with it. Well, my fellow Americans, you can see where this is going! The majority of Americans fall somewhere on the spectrum so it is considered normal. No formal diagnosis… but the folks who noticeably fall into the spectrum make life a little tricky for the rest of us.

Many narcissists are friendly, engaging, & charismatic

What many people do not understand is that individuals who have narcissistic tendencies are not just selfish, greedy people. There are plenty of those around but they may not be narcissists by definition. In fact, there are a large number of people who have narcissistic tendencies in positions of ministry, the military, teaching and other very admirable occupations. Quite honestly, many narcissists are extremely friendly, engaging and charismatic.

Many clients come to counseling because of the effects that narcissists have on their lives. They are often confused because friendly narcissists demonstrate behaviors that are caring and loving. What can be difficult for the client to grasp, is the narcissist’s thought process behind the actions versus their actual behavior.

When I am describing this to clients I often say that while their non-narcissistic “sunglasses” have a rose tint, their narcissistic spouse, friend, boss or child might be operating with green “sunglasses”. No matter how much you try to explain to a narcissist what it is like to see life through your rose colored glasses, they can only see life through their green lens. They see life, and the people in their life, only in terms of how they are personally effected. For example, YOU might be willing to help a friend or family member by doing something you do not enjoy at all. While you are happy to do it, there is an expectation on your part that the relationship is reciprocal and they would do the same for you. But in a relationship with a narcissist, this is not a given. In fact, unless there is something “in it” for the narcissist, you might be left hanging.

Living & working with narcissists is possible if your goals line up

Living and working with narcissists is possible if your personal goals and theirs line up. The conflict comes when concessions need to be made. If you are in a relationship where you feel like the only one making concessions, and your efforts go mostly unnoticed, you might need to come up with some strategies to work with your narcissistic counterpart. You might also need help identifying the “hook and pull” that occurs when the narcissist finally identifies that you might have had enough and they work extra hard to get you back to orbiting their world via words of affirmation, actions that have been requested numerous times in the past, or gifts. And…if truth be told, you may need a nudge to come up with a plan for if your strategy doesn’t work.

The first time I diagnosed a narcissist in a marriage relationship, while I was still a graduate student, my supervisor was quick to let me know that working with those on the narcissistic spectrum is exhausting. He told me that I might find myself wanting to scream at them when the best course of action from the therapist chair is to actually show empathy. I can tell you from experience in my personal life, the narcissists I have in treatment get more of an empathic response than narcissists I have to encounter on a regular basis.

For those of you who might be trying to save a marriage, a job, or a relationship with a friend or even your child who shows this tendency, I have a book suggestion for you. Sandy Hotchkiss, in her book Why Is It Always About You?, lays out some ways to identify and work with the narcissists you love, have to work with or even those you helped to create. This book is life changing for many and has helped me, deal with some people who I don’t want to abandon, but also enabled me to walk away from a few relationships that were not worth the ongoing effort.

Boundaries are always difficult to establish but more so when the person isn’t able to understand that your needs are equally important as their’s. Let me know if we need to schedule some time.

Sonia
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