When I was in junior high, I read a news article in the local paper that talked about the art of choosing a puppy that will be loyal for life. The piece suggested that if you sit in the middle of a litter of puppies, engage them in play and then sit real still, the majority of the pups will get bored, begin playing with one another, fall asleep or move on. The dog that is supposed to join you, their forever family, will remain close, snuggle with you or look directly in your eyes to let you know they are the one you are to choose. But you must resist the urge to pet and play with all the dogs or you will miss the match made for you.
This method has worked well for me. I have used it time and again and had some of the most loyal and precious canine companions. Mishka, my late golden retriever and Mallory, our “they-told-us-the-papers-were-tied-up-in-the-divorce-but-they-lied-black-lab” were both acquired with this method. Lola, my current black lab companion, that we never should have been able to afford, is the “rescue” exception. She was a blue-light special. Our pup was the runt of a litter meant to be large hunting dogs, and not one to photograph well, which resulted in the renowned breeder being unable to find a home for her. We happened to be on the internet at just the right moment and were grateful for the price adjustment. Lola seemed to know from the moment she was put in our arms that we were meant to be together and after watching all her siblings be placed in the arms of others, she knew the drill. She did not cry, even once, after we brought her home and has been loving us ever since.
Choosing a pet is a huge commitment and the divide between those who love or do not love having pets, can often be defined by those who have had a positive experience with pets and those who have not. Ironically, the same goes with human companions. Those who are eager and willing to invest in human relationships are often those who have had the most positive experiences. Those who have been repeatedly hurt or abandoned when they most needed a friend, are often those who are guarded or resistant to new or deep relationships.
The topic of friendship is one that comes up in the counseling room quite frequently. When individuals or couples are experiencing trauma or situational difficulty, it is my job to assess what the support system looks like in their life. Do they have family members who are checking in on them or do they have friends who might be willing to offer rescue assistance, should the need arise? I never want to assume that plans developed within the safety of the counseling space will receive the necessary support once the client goes home. Oftentimes, the lack of support or disappointment in the support system currently in place then becomes another element to be untangled as we sort through the dilemma at hand.
I sometimes find myself giving tips to seasoned adults on the best ways for them to meet new people or cultivate new friendships. It struck me during a recent session, that my guidance can sometimes sound like the article I read those many years ago. We often meet people in a fun social setting and it isn’t until life gets quiet or we experience events that cause us to stop playing, that we know who is to be our forever friend.
On a very personal note, my family has gone through a very difficult few years. We have gotten quiet, as we some days literally put one foot in front of the other to make it to the next day. Our trials of unemployment, the loss of numerous loved ones, my cancer diagnosis, the betrayal of a business partner and some of the regular stressors that come with just being alive, have caused us to often be less than entertaining or fun. And while some of those that we have known over the years have gotten bored, continued to play with one another but not with us or have simply moved on, others have sat with us, held us close and given us the assurance that they are our forever family. Forever friends are loyal and precious and everyone should have some because life can catch you by surprise and beat the tar out of you and it is a priceless gift to have someone who will look you in the eye and 
promise to not leave your side.
But as the methodology suggests, we are not always the best judge of who that loyal companion might be in the midst of good times. Quieting ourselves, even in the less stressful times, to locate our soul mates is an important endeavor. This can be done by finding outlets that are important to the health of your own soul, such as work that benefits others, a book club or a class for personal enrichment, and then looking around to see who is there with you, working to similarly become a better person. I met most of the people who have seen me through dark times in Bible and book studies and on the mission field, where we were both working to better humanity and in the same moment, were blessed with personal support. Some are neighbors and our love for community just naturally extended into a deeper friendship. Again, it is not necessarily the setting but rather the quieting that allows the essence of the relationship to emerge. There have also been the surprise blessings of those who love in the spirit of rescue and stay because as healing occurs, the fun returns, and it was worth the effort.
Psalm 46:10 tells us to “Be still and know that I am God…” Isn’t it true that we most feel God’s presence in our lives when we live and work in harmony and community? Be still and see who God has ordained for you.
Sonia Nelson
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720.449.2235