Wedding Vows: If I had known then what I know now

In just a few weeks, Mike and I are going to celebrate 25 years of marriage. I am amazed that the two of us have lived together now, longer than we lived apart and I am eternally grateful for the relationship we have. If I am honest, had I known the trials we would face and the mountains we would have to overcome, I am not sure that my younger self would have taken that walk down the aisle.

The week before my wedding was tumultuous to say the least. The minister scheduled to marry us, a dear friend of the family, got really sick and was hospitalized and there was a military coup in Venezuela, making it impossible for many of my relatives to attend. However, as a young bride, head over heels with the most handsome boy I had ever known, I was not going to let anything come in the way of my wedding. I practically ran down that aisle into a marriage that I truly believed would be picture perfect.

A couple days before the wedding, we met with the pastor replacing our family friend. He had vows that he liked to use in wedding ceremonies, so we had to make sure that we were all in agreement. We were not. He and I had a back and forth about the word “obey” and I left him with, “I am going to have 350 guests at my wedding. If you ask me to commit to obeying my husband, I will say no. You decide if you want us to have that moment.” He did not use the word obey.

Because of that interchange, I am not sure I stopped to think all that long and hard about the vows I was committing to…the vow for better or for worse…the vow for richer or for poorer…the vow in sickness and in health…the vow till death do us part. Maybe because I did not think there would be a time of worse, or a time of poor or a time without health.

But we have had them all. The last 25 years have not been picture perfect as I had hoped. We have endured trials that many marriages would not survive. We have faced infertility, numerous moves, struggles with family dynamic, unemployment, loss of fortune, and grave sickness. Had I known that sharing my life with this man would bring all this, would I have said yes?

Maybe, just maybe, the reason we agree to these vows in front of our closest friends and family and in the presence of God, is that true death-to-us part love can only be found in the dark times. When I think of the times in my marriage where I have felt truly known and truly loved, is was not necessarily the good times. I felt most loved when my husband held my hand through doctors visits, when we were told we could not conceive, when he stood up to people who were not treating me well, when he spoke at my parents’ memorial services, when he drained tubes of disgusting fluids out of my body following my double mastectomy and slept on a blow up mattress on the floor next to my sleeping chair for two months. I felt most known when he agreed to me going to graduate school a second time, when it was not a wise financial decision. I feel cared for each day when he carefully makes me the best cup of coffee because Starbucks is no longer an option for us. I feel truly blessed when this man listens to my crazy dreams for our future and when I hear and see him parenting his college aged children with crazy love. While I do miss that head over heels, bubble in my tummy, want-to-shout-it-from-the-mountain top love feeling, would I trade it for what I have now?

This summer, Mike and I are going to stand on the sands of our favorite place on earth. I most likely will wear a sundress from TJ Maxx in lieu of a two thousand dollar dress. My miracle babies will be beside us and I will walk, not run, into renewing vows for the rest of my life. This time I know what I am getting into. Life is hard. Life brings unimaginable trials. But it is worth it when you find your person to love and cherish; your till-death-do-us-part soul mate.

So I say yes, yes to all of it.

Sonia
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