I have a client who is encouraging me to write more. Because of all the HIPAA-ish laws surrounding counselors and clients, I have to be VERY careful not to divulge any specific information about this person, but let’s just say it is a counselor-client relationship that works really well because my specialties line up with her life/journey work. Recently she sent me a list of “Sonia-isms” that she has found helpful and I now have a topic list for my blog that should last me through the end of summer, at the very least.
So here it is, the first “Sonia-ism” that meant something to someone I work with…
If someone tells you that they don’t love you, you need to believe them.
Nobody likes rejection. Whether the rejection comes overtly or subtly, the pain that comes with being told or shown that you are not valued can hit hard. I am often sitting with clients as they sift through the dynamics of a relationship-gone-bad and when we uncover that their love is unrequited and they are not valued in the relationship being discussed, it is pain-fulllllll. And that is when boundaries of the heart must be set.
The hard thing about setting boundaries is that after a visit to the counselor, there is pumped-up adrenaline for confronting all the people in your life who are overstepping boundaries with you. You equip yourself with words and phrases, to tell them that for you to be happy in the relationship, some of your expectations must be met as well. When playing this scenario out in your mind, or in front of your bathroom mirror, your friend, boss or relative always responds with, “Oh my gosh! I had no idea you felt so used and abandoned by me! I will do anything I can to repair this relationship!” Sadly, this is not usually what happens. It sometimes happens though, so don’t stop trying!
Oftentimes, you might find yourself sitting across the table from someone who has NO interest in changing anything about their interactions with you. In fact, they may feel burdened by the relationship and see YOU as the crazy one! When you take that step to be vulnerable and take the risk to ask for what you feel is necessary for the relationship to continue, and you get a blank stare or an empty promise, and it turns out that the real answer is, “Ummm. Nope, I think you are overreacting….or I prefer that you do all the heavy-lifting in our relationship”, that can hurt like a mama….yep, that can STING!
But I am going to encourage YOU in the same way that I encourage my clients! REJECTION IS GOOD INFORMATION! Before that gut-wrenching conversation, the reason you hung on to that hanging-by-a-thread relationship was that you did not know for sure what the other person thought! You had guessed and hoped for the best! Once you KNOW that you are not a priority for
that person, you can release them, guilt-free, and not be a puppet to their manipulation any longer! Take the time you need to grieve the loss of love, the loss of time, the loss of hope for something beautiful and scurry along to relationships that are reciprocal and life-giving.
Now the disclaimer here is this: Spouses and family members may not be easy to release, and there are some steps that are required if you want to feel good about emotionally or physically deserting any of these folks. But ignoring rejection often prolongs deep seeded hurt and promotes abusive relationships. Don’t be that person who lives with regret because you don’t want to accept that someone doesn’t love you the way you love them. Your love is valuable and precious, and in healthy relationships, your love is appreciated and returned. It saddens me to hear, “I should have known” or “The signs were there, I just didn’t pay attention,” when I am coaching someone in their efforts to begin their life again. Listen to the words of the person across the table.
Let the truth set you free….
Love,
Sonia
Another important step in understanding the course of the relationship struggle you are in is getting a full understanding if your commitment to change and restoration is being matched by the person with whom you are in conflict. My heart breaks for the spouse who has set up an appointment for counseling, in an effort to heal the relationship, only to hear their significant other refuses to accept their efforts for change. It takes two people to have a relational conflict and it takes two people to heal a relational conflict. Even in situations where there has been an overt infraction, such as an affair, there has to be a commitment from both people to make efforts to meet the needs of the other person. Failure to get this buy-in usually means the healing will not occur.
Let me start this piece by saying that our individuality is SUPER DUPER important. Our uniqueness should ABSOLUTELY be celebrated. But, can we all consider, for just a tiny second, that
As my clients know, I am a relentless advocate for boundaries that protect the individual. There are more than a few of us that get bloodied by the inability to stand up to people who take advantage, and a large part of my work is focused on empowering the downtrodden. Additionally, I believe we are each God’s creation, made in His image, to live a life that glorifies our creator. That said, we are also to use our uniqueness to bring symmetry, balance and creativity to the systems we are a part of: our marriages, our friendships, our workplaces, our country, our world.
In my first career after college and graduate school, I was a high school teacher in Southern California for about eight years. That seems like a lifetime ago, mostly because it was, but it is an experience that has impacted my current work as a psychotherapist most profoundly. 
Try reading your essay out loud. People have a tendency to visually correct mistakes without even realizing it.
It seems in my line of work, themes present themselves. I am coming out of a season of working with a number of blended families. Marriage, after the death of a spouse, or after a divorce, has a number of challenges. Some of these challenges center around the children who are expected to be resilient and as excited as their parent, who has found a new love to share life with.
If you grew up with the Brady Bunch on TV, you know that the Brady family knew how to make a blended family look ideal. If you think about it, the whole show was about navigating through life issues but the ending was always just a little too Pollyanna. In real families, conflicts are not always resolved in one family meeting while the maid makes dinner. In real families, there might be deep wounds being brought into the mix because of past hurts. There might be visitation rights and shared schedules that interrupt the work that a new blended family is doing. Many times, there are issues with expenses and hurt feelings when the new marriage takes precedence over something that had once been important to the kids. Two people that thought they would parent well together find that they are triggered by their new spouse when they do anything that looks or sounds like the person they divorced. Blending families can be difficult but when done well, blended families can offer new life.